


Nothing without You…

by Morgana_avalon



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 20:21:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18373394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: Alexander is said to have told Hephaistion, "You are nothing without me!" when Hephaistion and Crateros got into an argument. (More information here) and I wondered what Hephaistion would have done if he had thought "Fine, then I am gone!" This story explores that option.





	Nothing without You…

Author's note: Reading through documentation on Alexander, I get the impression that he wasn't a very nice man and one who mistreated Hephaistion on an emotional level at times. Their relationship must have been an odd one, but then again, I believe Alexander wasn't a very sane person toward the end of his life. It might also turn mushy later.

Warning: AU of course. Maybe Alexander isn't the 'nice' Alexander you have come to expect, but don't worry; he will see the 'light' eventually. Also, originally, this incident happened in India. I made it happen closer to Babylon so they can cover the distance back to Babylon.

 

Nothing without You  
Part 1

Alexander enjoyed the relatively peaceful atmosphere in their camp. They had been marching non stop for four days now and he had finally given them the sign to make camp and rest. Had it been up to him, he would have marched another day, but he had seen the fatigue on the faces of his soldiers and had felt compelled to act on it. 

Hephaistion had urged him to plan more rests along their way to India, but Alexander was impatient and wanted to reach his destination as quickly as possible. They had left Babylon only a week ago and his journey into India would take him several months. 

As their King, he enjoyed a few luxuries, like having a private tent. The soldiers slept beneath the skies and only he had the comfort of a field bed, which he usually shared with Hephaistion. Stretched out on said field bed, he uncovered his favorite reading material and glanced through it until he had found his favorite spot. He had lost track of the times he had read 'The Iliad', but he would never grow tired of this lecture. Its tales fed his imagination and made him more determined to surpass Achilles in achievements and glory. People would still be talking about Alexander the Great long after Achilles had been forgotten. That was the kind of immortality he was aiming at. 

"Alexander, come quickly! They are fighting!" Perdiccas, one of Alexander's trusted officers, rushed into Alexander's tent and failed to stand still. He continued to shuffle his feet and impatiently reached for Alexander's hand. "You have to put an end to it!"

"What? Who is fighting?" He had explicitly forbidden his men to fight. He had even threatened them with execution if they dared to cross him. In order for his army to work smoothly together, they had to have unity, and once they started to fight among themselves they would stop defending each other's back during battle. 

Perdiccas had done the right thing by alerting him and Alexander placed the book aside. He jumped to his feet and followed Perdiccas out of the tent. "Who is fighting, Perdiccas?" The soldiers who saw him approach, quickly moved out of his way. Alexander knew that his angry expression was giving him away. He was furious with whoever had dared to ignore his orders!

"Crateros and Hephaistion are."

Perdiccas' words made Alexander halt in his tracks and he grabbed his friend's shoulder. He must have misheard! Hephaistion knew better than to brawl! "What did you say?"

Perdiccas had been forced to a stop as well and now reluctantly met Alexander's gaze. He would rather not; the rage in them made him flinch. "Crateros and Hephaistion," he said, repeating his answer. He wanted to add more information, wanted to explain how the fight had started, but by now, Alexander was marching away from him and into the direction the shouts were coming from. "Crateros started it," he called out, but Alexander was already too far away to hear. "He called Hephaistion a whore."

~~~

"Let go of me!" Hephaistion was losing the fight to stay in control of his emotions. He did not want to fight Crateros, who was a giant of a man and much stronger than he was. He was bound to lose such a brawl. But Crateros refused to back up and landed another blow, this time aimed at his temple and the impact made Hephaistion sway on his feet. Crateros had already landed several successful blows to his chin, face, and abdomen and yet, Hephaistion was still hesitant to defend himself. Both Crateros and he had extremely loyal guards and, once he accepted the challenge Crateros was throwing at him, he would have a full-blown fight on his hands. Then, it would not be just the two of them pitched against each other, but their soldiers as well. 

"You are a whore, Hephaistion. You are Alexander's whore. You get up on all fours and take it up the ass!" Crateros' voice dripped with venom and, strangely enough, jealousy. 

Hephaistion managed to stay on his feet, but his world was spinning. That last blow had caused an attack of vertigo and his stomach was doing somersaults, almost making him throw up. But he could not afford to lose face right now. Defiantly, he raised his head and met Crateros' poisonous glance. He understood the other man, understood how jealousy worked, and that it was Crateros' main motive for starting this.

For a long time, Crateros had been Alexander's favorite when it came to leading the army. Alexander had given him more and more power and Crateros had grown to like it. Now, he craved more. There was just one problem. Alexander was not willing to give him more power. Instead, Alexander was assigning the most important missions to Hephaistion because he was the diplomat and got the job done faster and better than Crateros with his army. That had fed Crateros' jealousy until he could take it no more and his anger had made him attack Hephaistion in public. 

Hephaistion knew all that, and also understood that he had to come out as the victor. Crateros was merely saying what everyone was well aware of – namely that he shared Alexander's bed and that they were lovers, but according to Greek custom the man letting himself be penetrated was considered less valuable, less of a man, and Crateros was making good use of that idea. It put Hephaistion at a distinct disadvantage. 

"Why do you not say what this is really about, Crateros? You have grown hungry for power and Alexander is not giving it to you." He had to redirect Crateros' attention and that of their audience. From the corner of his eye, Hephaistion saw that Leonnatus, Alexander's personal body guard, friend, and blood relative to the King, was reaching for his sword. That surprised him. Was it really Leonnatus' intention to defend his 'honor'? At least, what was left of it? He could not allow that, could not allow Leonnatus to get entangled in Crateros' web and he glared at the Companion.   
Hephaistion shook his head decisively; no, he did not want Leonnatus to get involved in his battle and the other man got the hint.

"Do not try to distract me, you whore!" Crateros knew he could not allow Hephaistion to speak because the other man knew exactly how to get the spectators on his side. He had to act now, before Hephaistion had a chance to turn the table on him. Crateros aimed another blow at Hephaistion's temple, and this time, he put all his might into the punch. Hephaistion went down and Crateros released a victorious cry.

Leonnatus rushed forward to protect Hephaistion now that the other man was not defending himself, but Hephaistion was still lucid enough to raise his hand and to tell Leonnatus to back off. The officer obeyed, but reluctantly. 

Hephaistion drew in a deep breath and composed himself. Blood dripped from his mouth and from below his hairline. Crateros' blows had broken his skin. Now that he was on his knees in front of the enemy, he found himself at a distinct disadvantage. 

"Do you recognize the position you are in, Hephaistion? You must be on your knees quite often!" Crateros was by now convinced that he would win their argument and smirked at his fallen enemy. 

Hephaistion however pushed himself back to his feet. He swayed, but did not go down again. Raising blood-shed eyes, he stared at Crateros. "What do you think you are doing? Our men must fight side by side and you are causing a rift. Have you lost your mind?" He was hurting all over, but still tried to reach Crateros. He prayed to Zeus that Alexander had not heard of their altercation, because if their King came upon them fighting, he would make both of them pay, regardless of who had started it and why. 

~~~

By the time Alexander had reached Crateros and Hephaistion, his rage was fuming. His blood boiled in his veins and the fact that Hephaistion was swaying and bleeding did not register with him in his current state of mind. All that he knew was that he felt betrayed – by Hephaistion mostly. This was the man who proclaimed loved him, who knew his every secret, his weaknesses, and his flaws. This was the man who advised him when he needed guidance. And this was the man who had gone against his direct orders. He had forbidden brawling and Hephaistion had defied him!

"Stop it! Have you two gone mad?" Alexander was ready to burst with anger. He stood in between them to make sure the fight had stopped and took Crateros on first. "The next time I catch you fighting, my punishment will be severe! You are a General in my army, Crateros, and you need to set the right example!"

Crateros' demeanor instantly changed now that he faced a furious Alexander. A furious Alexander was a dangerous Alexander and he knew better than to defy Alexander in his current state of mind. "I understand, Alexander." He had not counted on Alexander getting involved and had hoped to take care of Hephaistion and the threat he presented without Alexander finding out about it until he had accomplished his goal. "Hephaistion started it though."

Indignant murmurs swept through the crowd of assembled warriors, but only one of them dared to speak up in Hephaistion's defense. "That is a lie, my King. Crateros did." Leonnatus had always stood his ground when facing Alexander and he did not back down either when Alexander's defying glare came to rest upon him. They were kin – distant kin – but still related, and he had saved Alexander's life more than once. Like Hephaistion, he was one of the few who dared to contradict Alexander without having to fear for his life.

Hephaistion felt at a loss. He had seen Alexander in this mood before and knew from personal experience that talking would not get him anywhere. Alexander just would not listen to reason. 

"I do not care who started it! The next time I catch someone fighting I will have him executed and it does not matter to me who will lose his life. Do you understand that, Crateros?" Alexander glared at his General. "I will put you to death myself!" He could not allow his army to become splintered into factions.

"I do, my King." Crateros was beginning to realize that picking a fight with Hephaistion so openly might have been the wrong thing to do. He would operate in secret from now on. 

But Alexander's rage had not yet been subdued and his anger still needed a way out. Directing his fury at Hephaistion was the easiest way to deal with the situation. His lover had disappointed him and he would make sure that Hephaistion would never make such a mistake again. "I made you, Hephaistion, and I can just as easily break you." The shocked expression in those blue eyes was something Alexander did not register. He was so bent on lecturing his lover that he continued, not caring about the impact his words had on Hephaistion, or his men for that matter. "You are nothing without me! And this is how you pay me back? I made you who you are today, Hephaistion. You owe it all to me! If you defy me again, I will show you your place!" 

Hephaistion felt too shocked to draw in his next breath. His body had frozen and he felt paralyzed at hearing those words. He did not know what hurt the most, Alexander's words or the conviction he heard in them. Crateros gave him a triumphant look and the blood in Hephaistion's veins froze, seeing the loathing in Alexander's eyes. His lover had never looked at him in that way before. 

For one moment, he considered pleading with Alexander. He should explain to his lover why this had happened, what Crateros had called him, but he realized in that instant that Alexander was not interested in explanations. His lover was staring at him from behind a red haze of fury and bloodlust. The damning words however destroyed the little self-respect he had left. What Crateros had started, Alexander had finished. Crateros had gotten what he had wanted after all. 

"I do not want to see any of you fighting again, for if you defy me again, I swear by Zeus that I will have your heads!" By now, Alexander had worked himself into a temper tantrum and cared for nothing or no one. Marching away from the scene, he headed back to his tent. He needed to calm down, he knew that much, but he also realized that he would never manage to do so if he stayed around Crateros or Hephaistion. 

~~~

"Alexander proved my point, did he not, Hephaistion? I told you all along that you are nothing! Nothing but his whore. Your willingness to play his whore got you the rank of General, and that is the only reason you rose in the ranks of our army! Why do you not do us a huge favor and leave?" Crateros, who realized he now held the advantage over Hephaistion, could not resist taunting the defeated man. "Just go away." After uttering those words, Crateros turned around and walked away. 

Hephaistion remained behind – shaken to the core of his being and swaying on his feet. Crateros' blows had been physical and he had learned how to deal with such pain, but Alexander's words had devastated him and he had no defenses against his lover. He had served Alexander loyally his entire life, had made Alexander's dream his, and had done everything he could to make that dream come true... and now… now his lover had told him what he really thought of him. 

"Lean on me, General Hephaistion." Instead of following Alexander back to his tent and guarding his King, Leonnatus decided that his priority had to lie with Hephaistion. Leonnatus had pushed everyone aside and managed to wrap an arm around the swaying Hephaistion. "I will take you to a safe place where you can rest. One of the doctors should examine you and stitch those wounds."

"General?" Hephaistion's voice was soft, not more than a whisper, but most of the soldiers caught the self-loathing in it. "I am no General." But Hephaistion allowed Leonnatus to guide him to that section of the camp that housed his squadron. These soldiers were loyal to him, had vowed to defend his back in battle, and Hephaistion saw the grim expression on their faces as he stumbled toward the fire they had built. /They heard what Alexander said and agree with him./ His self-worth was so low that it never occurred to him that they disagreed with Alexander and that their grim expressions were due to their disdain for Alexander and the way their King had solved the altercation. 

"Sit down." Leonnatus helped Hephaistion lower himself onto the ground and quickly gestured for one of the soldiers to fetch a doctor. "Alexander had no right to say those things to you. At times, his temper gets the better of him and makes him act like a spoiled brat. I should know – I have known him his entire life." He did not want Hephaistion to fall prey to self-loathing and tried his best to comfort the devastated man. 

Hephaistion shook his head. "No, Alexander has every right to say that. He knows me best… and when he thinks that I am nothing without him then it must be true." He stared at the flames through a cloud of dripping blood and dark hair. His wounds were still bleeding. 

"That is not true. Do not believe the fool when he says that you are nothing without him."

Hephaistion looked up sharply at the new arrival and cursed himself for doing so, as the sudden movement caused a pounding headache which originated from his abused temple. "Why are you here, Cleitus? Did you come to gloat?"

Cleitus gestured for Leonnatus to give them some privacy and picked up the bowl with water and the wash cloth one of Hephaistion's guards had brought. "No, I am not here to gloat. I am here because I think you need to hear the truth." 

Leonnatus reluctantly awarded Cleitus his space. He did not know why the other man had joined them and decided to keep an eye on both of them, just in case Cleitus was here to do even more damage.

Cleitus' words confused Hephaistion. "How much did you see and hear?" Damn, talking also hurt as Crateros had hit him in the jaw, but Hephaistion had to know. Cleitus and he were not friends – he did not have any real friends in Alexander's army. Too many officers, and even Alexander's Companions, were jealous of him or just did not trust him. Cleitus had tolerated him in the past, but that was about it.

"I heard and saw everything. I wanted to intervene but then Alexander showed up." Cleitus pressed the wet cloth against Hephaistion's temple and began to remove the blood. "Crateros' attempt to discredit you failed. The men know better than to believe him."

"But it is true," Hephaistion said, feeling weak now that his headache was growing worse. "The only reason why I made the rank of General is because I am Alexander's lover."

"If you had said 'his whore' I would have punched you too, Hephaistion." Contrary to Cleitus' stern tone, his touch remained gentle when he continued to wipe away the blood. "What you say is not true. Alexander never favored you over the rest of us. You deserve your rank."

"I do not deserve it and I know it." Hephaistion swallowed hard and bit down a moan when Cleitus set about cleaning his battered mouth. "I am not a warrior like you, Cleitus. Yes, I stand my ground on the battlefield, but I cannot lead an army. You know as well as I do that Alexander will never entrust a real command to me, not when I would have to do battle. That is when he approaches you, or Crateros." Once more, his low self-worth showed in his words *and* in his tone.

"Now stop talking and sit still." Cleitus dabbed at the dried blood in the corner of Hephaistion's mouth and studied the large, blue eyes which carried a lost and resigned expression. "That is true, yes. I am not going to lie to you about that. You are not a strategist and you will never excel at tactics, but that does not make you any less a respected warrior. You *can* hold your ground in a fight, if you want to." He added the last few words on purpose. "You should have defended yourself against Crateros."

"That would only have encouraged him." Hephaistion's eyes widened momentarily, seeing the disapproval in Cleitus' gaze. The older man had finished cleaning him up and now placed the dirty cloth aside. "Why am I still here, Cleitus? Alexander does not need me, the army does not want me, and…"

Cleitus cocked his head and studied Hephaistion. He had known Hephaistion for most of his life and realized the other man's true worth, but it seemed Hephaistion had no idea what made him so valuable to Alexander and the army. The self-doubt, low self-worth, and maybe even self-hatred kept Hephaistion from realizing his true talents. "I understand why you are upset, Hephaistion. We grew up in a society that favors warriors over thinkers. Men like Alexander, Crateros, and I are kept in high regard because we fling ourselves into battle, kill, and maim. That is what they respect. But men like you…"

"Please stop talking and leave me be, Cleitus." Hephaistion lowered his gaze and stared at the ground. He had always known that Cleitus disliked him and did not think him worthy of commanding alongside him. Nothing Cleitus said had changed his mind. Feeling Cleitus tip his head upward was the last thing Hephaistion expected to happen. Forced to meet Cleitus' gaze, he tried to glare back, completely missing the fact that Cleitus' gaze was concerned, instead of condescending. "I know what you really think of me."

"You do not." Cleitus frowned and realized that he had waited too long to address this. He had seen this coming, but had not thought it was his place to confront Hephaistion – or Alexander for that matter. "Look at me, Hephaistion."

It was the way Cleitus spoke his name that made Hephaistion meet the older man's gaze. Was that really concern in those eyes? Why was it there?

"I hold you in high regard. Yes, we came to blows in the past and we doubtlessly will clash in the future, but that does not mean I do not respect you. I know your worth, even when you do not see it yourself right now. Alexander had no right to say those things to you, but that is what he gets like when he is furious. He will realize he was wrong and will want to apologize later, but…" Cleitus gently pushed a strand of Hephaistion's hair in place behind one ear. "But you need to ask yourself if you deserve to be treated like that. Alexander does not respect you, even if he loves you. You deserve better than that. You should not put up with the abuse."

Hephaistion blinked his eyes in surprise. "Cleitus, I…" The other man's words made little sense to him. 

"You really have no idea how important you are to this army…" Cleitus shook his head in disbelief. "Hephaistion, I cannot force you to do this, but please, listen to me and get away from Alexander. Return to Babylon and try to get in touch with yourself. We have been away on campaigns for much too long, and Alexander has begun to take his successes for granted. Alexander needs to be reminded who helped him conquer his empire."

"Cleitus, are you drunk?" Hephaistion wondered if Cleitus had had too much wine and if that was the reason the older man was acting so peculiarly. 

"No, I am sober… And I see things the way they really are. Hephaistion, Alexander needs to be reminded why he loves you and why needs you. You have made things much too easy for him." 

"I agree, Cleitus." Leonnatus had listened in on their conversation. "Hephaistion, Cleitus is right. You should spend some time away from Alexander." Such a separation would give both men a chance to remember why they loved and needed each other.

/What has gotten in to them? I cannot possibly leave Alexander like that!/ But the prospect of spending time away from Alexander appealed to Hephaistion in a strange way. /I cannot live with him and I cannot live without him./ Their relationship had been volatile at times, but they had managed to keep that fact hidden most of the time. 

Alexander had not always acted that arrogantly. When they had been younger and growing up together, and learning the way the world worked, Alexander had been gentle, even romantic. But the longer they had fought and the longer they had been away on these campaigns, the harder Alexander's attitude toward him became. 

Cleitus moved a little closer, buried his fingers in Hephaistion's hair, and said, "I am not asking you to desert Alexander. Just to take the time you need in order to realize *who* you are and why you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You have lost yourself, Hephaistion, and you need to find yourself again. Not just for Alexander's sake, but mostly because you owe it to yourself."

"What should I do?" Hephaistion could not believe he was actually considering doing as Cleitus had advised him, but there was some truth to the older man's words, even though Hephaistion could not quite explain what that truth was. 

"Take twenty of your most loyal men with you and return to Babylon. You will feel comfortable there – at peace. There, you will find yourself again." Cleitus nodded his head and watched Leonnatus do the same thing. He chided himself that he had not talked to Hephaistion about this earlier. He had let it spin out of control, and because of that, Hephaistion had gotten hurt. He had done a bad job of looking after Alexander and Hephaistion. /I should have kicked Alexander's butt some time ago for the way he takes Hephaistion for granted!/ 

"But I cannot leave Alexander…" The words he had wanted to utter next died on Hephaistion's lips. He had wanted to say that Alexander needed him, but then his lover's cruel words returned to him. "He said I am nothing without him… He does not need me."

Cleitus' expression hardened at hearing those words. "He is wrong, Hephaistion, but if you stay, he won't realize how wrong. You need to do this, Hephaistion. You owe it to yourself and to Alexander." Convincing Hephaistion to leave for Babylon was as hard as Cleitus had thought it would be. "I am not trying to manipulate you, Hephaistion. You might not believe this, but I have your best interests in mind."

"You should listen to his advice, Hephaistion. I agree with Cleitus. Alexander needs to be jolted back to reality and this shock therapy might work best." Leonnatus also knew the truth to Cleitus' words. Their King had taken Hephaistion, his love, his support, and his talent for granted too long. It was time Alexander faced reality.

Hephaistion bowed his head the moment Cleitus pulled away and sighed. "Alexander does not need me. He does not need me to stay with him. My work can easily be done by someone else. Maybe you are right, Cleitus. Maybe I should leave and make things easier on everyone."

"That is not what I said," Cleitus replied, a bit dismayed that Hephaistion was determined to misinterpret his words. Cleitus rested his hand at the nape of Hephaistion's neck and massaged the muscles there. Hephaistion initially tensed at his touch, but then seemed to accept the friendly gesture. "Alexander is responsible for your low self-worth, my friend. You *do* deserve much better than that." Cleitus was convinced that once Alexander realized he had abused Hephaistion's trust in him, their King would hurry to Hephaistion to make amends. But that would only happen *if* Hephaistion found the strength to follow through and leave *now*. 

"Leonnatus, select twenty of the most loyal and capable guards. They will make up Hephaistion's escort. Tell them that they are leaving within the hour." Now that Hephaistion was not taking charge, Cleitus was.

Hephaistion raised his eyes and gave them a startled look, but Cleitus merely nodded his head. "Trust me, this is the best thing for you, and eventually Alexander will benefit from this decision as well." Cleitus was certain of that.

~~~

"Hephaistion, your escort is ready to leave." Leonnatus guided Hephaistion's war horse over to the crushed man and waited patiently for Hephaistion to rise from where he was sitting on the ground. The camp had grown eerily quiet since Alexander had humiliated Hephaistion and it felt like everyone was holding their breath. 

A doctor had examined the bruises and cuts on his face and had proclaimed him fit to travel. Hephaistion had then changed into warmer clothes, but still wore his armor beneath the thick, woolen cloak. He still was not sure that he could actually do this and leave Alexander behind. For the last hour, he had hoped that his lover would seek him out and talk to him. Hephaistion did not expect an apology, that was something Alexander would never do, but he had hoped for a sign that their love stood unchallenged. But Alexander had not sought him out and there had been no invitation to visit with Alexander. 

"I am ready." Hephaistion pulled himself into the saddle and wrapped his fingers around the reins. The damage Crateros' blows had inflicted still made him hurt in several places – his head and abdomen mostly – but that pain did not compare to the agony that was ripping his heart apart. Alexander had not come to him – had not reached out.

Leonnatus wished he could accompany Hephaistion on this journey, but he was one of Alexander's personal guards and could not leave like that. Plus, he reckoned that Alexander would need someone to talk to once his King found out that Hephaistion had left. Alexander and he had always been close and he was hopeful that Alexander would open up to him. 

Hephaistion's escort joined up with him and they positioned themselves strategically around their General so Hephaistion would be the last one to be attacked in case of an assault. Hephaistion peeked at their eyes and the expression in them. He expected to see loathing, for he was running away from Alexander and his duty to his King. But instead he saw compassion and understanding. The group moved toward the fringes of the camp and Hephaistion was surprised to see Cleitus standing there. Cleitus was not alone however: Ptolemy, Perdiccas, Antigonus, and Nearchus were present as well. Although he did not expect to see them there, the thing which puzzled Hephaistion the most was the fact that Cleitus was wearing his armor, was armed to the teeth, and that the man's war horse stood beside him. 

"I am coming with you," Cleitus announced. He had given the matter ample thought and had realized that Hephaistion would need someone to feed him the truth and kick his ass in case he decided to wallow in self-pity. 

Leonnatus, who had accompanied Hephaistion here, nodded his head approvingly. "That is an excellent decision." Cleitus could work on Hephaistion's low self-worth, while Leonnatus stayed behind and would do his best to reach Alexander.

Hephaistion briefly considered refusing Cleitus' company, but he knew the other man well enough to realize that Cleitus would not accept a no. Cleitus was determined to follow through. In the end, Hephaistion merely shrugged his shoulders. He felt tired, bone-tired, and lacked the willpower to take charge. Why take charge when Alexander was already in charge of the army and did not need him? Why not let Cleitus take charge of his life... a life that had ceased to be worth living now that Alexander no longer needed him?

TBC

Nothing without You  
Part 2

Leonnatus saw Hephaistion safely off and then returned to Alexander's tent. Although his shift did not start for another two hours, he judged it best to be present when Alexander found out that Hephaistion had left. That news would shatter Alexander's world and then two things could happen. Either Alexander caved in and followed Hephaistion back to Babylon, or, and Leonnatus thought this more likely, Alexander would throw another temper tantrum and insist he did not need Hephaistion to conquer the rest of the world. Either way, Alexander's reaction would not be pretty. 

"Alexander? May I enter?" Leonnatus thought it best to announce his presence as he did not know what kind of mind set Alexander was in. 

"Leonnatus? Is that you? Yes, you can come inside." Alexander had calmed down, but his head still reeled from what had happened less than an hour ago. He hadn't wanted to come down so hard on Hephaistion, but he had lost control over his emotions and his lover had gotten burned the most, like he was so often – much too often. "Have the men calmed down?"

"Not really." Leonnatus always made it a point to be honest with Alexander. His King had repeatedly assured him that he preferred hearing the truth. "They are still upset. When you walk through the camp it feels like everyone is holding their breaths, like they are waiting for something bad to happen." He stood opposite Alexander, who did his best to look calm and composed, but Leonnatus knew his friend well enough to see the tension beneath the facade. He actually feared Alexander's reaction when the other man found out that Hephaistion had left. 

"Why? I dealt with the uproar! They stopped arguing! I restored peace!" Alexander shook his head. "That argument should never have happened! What were they thinking? What was Hephaistion thinking?"

Leonnatus proceeded with the utmost caution. "Do you know how the fight started?" 

"I do not need to know how it started! It should never have taken place to begin with!" Alexander was once more growing distressed and anger lurked just around the corner and was ready to take possession of him. 

Leonnatus was well aware of the warning signs and prepared to face another temper tantrum. He had confronted Alexander with unpleasant matters before and had survived those confrontations, but he was not sure how Alexander would cope with learning this particular truth. "Crateros started it. He called Hephaistion a whore – your whore – and he told Hephaistion that he should be on his hands and knees instead. Crateros even suggested he should try Hephaistion himself." During Leonnatus' little speech, Alexander's eyes had taken on a dangerous glint and the King's hands had turned into fists. "You did not even ask Hephaistion why he had gotten involved in that fight, Alexander."

"That does not matter!" But Alexander knew it mattered and hearing himself say such a thing made him cringe. Why could he not be honest with himself and admit that Hephaistion had had every right to defend himself? "Did Crateros really say those things?" Alexander looked pleadingly at Leonnatus, almost begging him to say that his body guard had made the story up. 

"He did, and he did it in front of your men." 

Alexander turned around so Leonnatus could no longer see his face. He closed his eyes and his heart ached for the humiliation Hephaistion had suffered at Crateros' hands. "Hephaistion is no man's whore. He is my lover." And he should have defended his lover! But he had not. Instead, he had made things worse. 

Leonnatus decided not to react to that statement. He wanted to address something else first. "Crateros has become insanely jealous of Hephaistion. Envy was his main reason to attack Hephaistion."

"Jealous?" Alexander looked at his friend from over his shoulder. "Why?"

Leonnatus chose his words carefully. "Hephaistion has become very important in your army and Crateros cannot accept that. Crateros is ambitious. He does not set his own needs back like Hephaistion does." 

Alexander looked away from Leonnatus and resumed staring into the shadows of his tent. "I do not want to talk about Hephaistion right now." He needed some time to deal with the fact that Crateros had called Hephaistion a whore in front of their men. He would seek out his lover later and assure him that he still loved him. "I want to march within the hour, tell the men that." It was his way of punishing the soldiers for not interfering and just standing there when Crateros had been attacking Hephaistion. It did not occur to Alexander that his reasoning was twisted to the extreme, as he had forbidden his soldiers to fight. He was punishing them for obeying his orders.

"But the sun is about to set."

"I do not care, Leonnatus, just do it!" Alexander spun around and glared at Leonnatus. "And make certain that I am not disturbed. I want to be alone!" It was best if he was alone; the mind set he was in could prove dangerous for others. His rage would not leave him alone. 

Leonnatus considered his options. Should he tell Alexander that Hephaistion had left? "Alexander, the men are upset because of the things you said to Hephaistion and not because Crateros attacked him. They saw that one coming. But they never expected you to lash out at Hephaistion and say such things." Leonnatus stood his ground when Alexander stalked toward him. 

Alexander's thoughts raced and emotionally he felt adrift. Why could Leonnatus not leave him be? "You understand why I had to do that, do you not, Leonnatus?"

"No, I do not. I would never tell my lover that he was nothing without me; that I had made him and would break him or put him in his place. Even if I had been instrumental in his rise in the ranks, I would never use it against him. You humiliated him, Alexander. You humiliated him in front of your men. You stripped him of his honor. You did more damage than Crateros ever could!"

"Don't you dare say another word!" Alexander seethed with anger, but that anger was aimed at himself and not at Leonnatus or Hephaistion. It stemmed from the fact that he had misjudged the situation and that he had taken it out on Hephaistion while he should have punished Crateros instead! 

"Why? Alexander, I am not afraid of you. I do not depend on you like Hephaistion does. I speak my mind. If it costs me my head, so be it, but I will be damned if I do not speak up for Hephaistion!" Leonnatus saw something break in Alexander's expression: he had gotten through to his stubborn ruler. "Hephaistion did not defend himself when Crateros attacked him because he did not want to get entangled in the fight. Did you see that he was injured? That he was bleeding? Did you?"

Alexander quickly backed away from Leonnatus as he never expected that passionate outburst. "I did not."

"I escorted him into safety while all you were capable of was screaming at him! Do you have any idea just deeply your words cut? How much they hurt him?"

"He knows I did not mean them. Hephaistion knows I love him!" Alexander also knew that Hephaistion would continue to accept this behavior *because* Hephaistion loved him. That knowledge gave him way too much power over his lover, but he liked it that way. "Hephaistion understands why I lashed out at him! I cannot take the risk that my army will fall apart."

Leonnatus did not back down, knowing that Alexander was all bark but no bite at the moment. "You accomplished just that by lashing out at Hephaistion. You might not realize it, but he has a lot of supporters in the camp. At first, the men had found their enemy in Crateros for what he called Hephaistion, then they found the enemy in you!" 

"They are loyal to me, Leonnatus, and not to Hephaistion. I know how they speak about him behind his back!" 

Leonnatus shook his head. "You listen to the wrong people, Alexander. Yes, your soldiers are loyal to you, extremely loyal, but they just watched you publicly humiliate your lover. What does that say about your loyalty toward Hephaistion?" He realized that he had achieved his goal to make Alexander *think* when the King turned his back toward him. 

Alexander's thoughts raced. Leonnatus was right of course. He had wronged his lover and he should never have humiliated Hephaistion like that. It seemed another apology was in place. "I will talk to him later, Leonnatus. I will apologize to him." He really had lost control when he had yelled at his lover.

Leonnatus felt the time had come to tell Alexander the truth. "That might be a bit problematic, my King." He spoke those last two words in a tone that betrayed his contempt for Alexander's misconduct.

"And why is that?" Alexander slowly turned around. Apprehension swept through him and his heart missed a beat as he saw the pleased expression in Leonnatus' eyes. 

"Because Hephaistion left our camp over an hour ago." Leonnatus waited for the shock to set in and a moment later, Alexander stormed out of his tent. Leonnatus followed Alexander, hoping he could keep his King from making more stupid mistakes.

"Hephaistion cannot have left! He will never leave me! He belongs…" And suddenly Alexander halted in his tracks. Shocked, he realized what he had been about to say. Not, 'with me', but 'to me'. Hephaistion belonged to him, like his lover was his possession and nothing more. /By Zeus, when did I lose my mind?/ 

Alexander resumed his march and everyone in his path jumped aside. No one wanted to get burned the way Hephaistion had. They loved Alexander, but at the same time, they hated and feared him. 

"Where is he?" Alexander had reached the section where Hephaistion's men had settled down and pulled one of them to his feet. "Where is your General?"

The soldier felt intimidated once he was face to face with a violent Alexander, but still managed to whisper a reply. "He left."

"No, you are mistaken! Hephaistion would never leave me!" Alexander released the soldier and continued his search. "Hephaistion, stop hiding from me! Stop playing games. Show yourself!" 

But Hephaistion did not answer him – only silence did, and Alexander realized that Leonnatus had been right. All the men were holding their breaths, waiting for him to make his next move. /Hephaistion cannot have left me… Hephaistion and I argued before, but he never left me!/ The idea that Hephaistion could have deserted him did not want to register with Alexander.

"Leonnatus, where is Hephaistion? Where is he hiding?" Alexander grabbed hold of his body guard's tunic and pulled him close until their noses were touching. 

"Hephaistion is not hiding. He is doing what he has to do… What he should have done some time ago. He is taking care of himself, now that you are not doing that for him. Alexander, what happened to you? You loved Hephaistion once. You would have killed for him…"

Leonnatus' words hit Alexander like an icy shower. Yes, what had happened to him? It was true – there had been a time when Hephaistion's welfare had taken precedence over everything, even waging a war. 

But Leonnatus was making him face a side to his personality that he did not like and Alexander took the easy way out. He went from shock into denial within seconds. Alexander released Leonnatus from his hold and took a step away from him. "Hephaistion made the decision to desert me, Leonnatus. Do not try to make it look like I chased him away. Hephaistion left *me*."

Leonnatus' eyes widened. "By Apollo, Alexander, are you actually still capable of logical thought? You are making me wonder about that!"

"Prepare the army for departure, Leonnatus. We will leave within the hour!" Alexander angrily marched away from Leonnatus. 

The soldiers who had gathered around quickly made way for him 

/He left me! Hephaistion left me! That cannot be!/ Alexander's one certainty in life had been that Hephaistion would always be there for him. His lover had always supported him... had always been there for him. /How can he leave me? Does he not love me anymore? I was so certain that he would always love me…/

And now that one certainty had been taken away from him. Alexander felt like the living dead when he made his way back to his tent. How was he going to manage without his faithful Hephaistion at his side? His Patrocles?

/No! I won't give in to this feeling. Hephaistion deserted *me*! He will beg me to take him back once he realizes that his life is worthless without me!/ Alexander hid his anguish, fear, and despair beneath a mask of arrogance. When his men looked at him, they saw someone in control.

He was Alexander and he was going to conquer the world – with or without Hephaistion at his side!

~~~

Cleitus kept his horse close to Hephaistion's. He had tried to engage the distressed man in conversation, but Hephaistion had refused to reply. The blue eyes remained directed at the earth, his shoulders slumped forward, and his head bowed. Cleitus had never seen Hephaistion look more miserable before – not even when Alexander had lashed out at him. /He did not deserve that. It is time Alexander pays for his arrogance./ 

"Here, you should drink some water." They had been underway for four hours already and, while Cleitus and the soldiers occasionally ate a bite and drank some water, Hephaistion had refrained from doing so. Cleitus gathered that Hephaistion felt crushed, but he would not allow for the other man to neglect his needs. Offering Hephaistion the water skin, he gave him a hopeful look. "Drink."

Hephaistion was thirsty, but at the same time, his jaw still hurt. He felt depressed and was trying hard not to steer his horse back to Alexander's camp. 

"Drink something, Hephaistion." Cleitus' voice sounded softer now, caring, and it worked. Hephaistion accepted the water skin and took a few sips. Seeing Hephaistion flinch, Cleitus realized that the younger man's jaw still hurt. "Go ahead, have some more. We have plenty."

Hephaistion took a few more sips, ignored the ache in his jaw, and then handed the water skin back to Cleitus. "Thank you," he said, careful to remain polite. He did not know what to make of the other man. Cleitus acted concerned, but Hephaistion had a hard time believing he was sincere. 

"We seldom talked in the past, but I can see us talking many evenings in the future." Cleitus knew it was up to him to make the first step. "I am not your enemy, Hephaistion."

"I do not understand why you are accompanying me. I know you do not like me." 

"I should probably start by offering you an apology." Cleitus recalled that he had not always been friendly toward Hephaistion. "Sometimes it is hard to see someone so utterly in love and happy. I am not the only one who envied you, you know." But he did not envy Hephaistion right now. But his words had done the trick and Hephaistion finally looked at him. Those blue eyes were swimming with tears, but Hephaistion was fighting them back. "Being without Alexander must cause you pain."

"What do you know about the way I feel?" Hephaistion broke eye contact and tried to hide in the shadows of his hood, which he pulled up. 

"Do not hide from me, Hephaistion. I said it before: I am not the enemy. Put the hood down and look me in the eye." Cleitus held his breath when a surprisingly sharp glare was aimed at him. There was strength in Hephaistion, strength, intelligence, and a sharp mind, but Alexander had been instrumental in dulling them. It was now his task to sharpen them again. "Put the hood down."

Reluctantly, Hephaistion complied, but now he used his long hair to hide behind. 

Cleitus allowed this, realizing Hephaistion still felt rather emotional from his confrontation with Alexander earlier. "We will reach Babylon in six or seven days. That depends on our speed and how many times we will stop to rest."

"I want to go back to the camp," Hephaistion said all of a sudden. He pulled at the reins and his horse came to a stop. "I need to return to Alexander." 

"No, you do not." Cleitus took hold of Hephaistion's reins and stared into the unfocused eyes. Hephaistion had suffered some sort of shock and was not thinking rationally. That much was clear to Cleitus. And as long as Hephaistion was in that state, he needed someone to look after him. Cleitus was prepared to be that person. "Alexander is poison to you at the moment. Give him time. Give yourself time."

"He will do foolish things without me, Cleitus. I have to protect him from himself."

"You have done so for much too long. Let him fall, Hephaistion. Let him crumble. It is the only way to make him realize that he needs you. Alexander convinced himself that he needs no one. He needs to learn that he is wrong." 

"But…" 

Cleitus placed the palm of his hand against Hephaistion's cheek and cupped the handsome face. "I know that it is hard for you to accept what I am saying. You do not trust me and I realize that I have never given you a reason to trust me, but I am acting on your behalf and that of Alexander's. When he was much younger, I promised his father to look after him. I have done a poor job, Hephaistion. I still have a chance to right things though and I have to start with you." 

Their escort had come to a halt as well and listened to Cleitus' words. Most of the soldiers agreed with the General and felt grateful that Cleitus was looking after Hephaistion. 

Hephaistion pulled away from Cleitus' hand and stared at the earth. "I am confused."

"Why do you not confide in me?" Cleitus handed the reins back to Hephaistion and their group resumed their trek home. Now that everyone was moving again, Cleitus felt the time had come to coax some things out of Hephaistion, who seemed to have accepted his fate. "What are you feeling right now?"

"Except for confusion?" Hephaistion carefully shrugged his shoulders. "I feel unreal. I cannot believe that I actually did it; that I left camp – and Alexander. He will be furious when he finds out that I left him."

"Do you think that he will come after you?" Cleitus hoped that his question would not make Hephaistion more emotional, but Hephaistion's reply would probably tell him what Alexander would do. No one knew Alexander better than Hephaistion. 

Hephaistion shook his head and replied in a sad voice, "No, he won't. He will be furious, but he won't come after me. He will continue his way to India without me. He will view my departure as the ultimate betrayal." 

"You *do* know that it is the other way around? Alexander betrayed you when he lashed out at you. He should have supported you instead." 

Hephaistion shrugged a second time. "I do not know Alexander any longer. He has changed so much. When we were younger, he cared about me. Now I feel like I have become a burden."

"Alexander has been so focused on conquering the world that he never noticed losing your love." Cleitus was curious to find out what Hephaistion's reaction to that bold statement would be. Would Hephaistion still defend Alexander?

"He still has my love, Cleitus." Hephaistion's voice was gentle and loving. "He will always have it. I will never stop loving him."

"But you feel like he stopped loving you." 

"Maybe, it is hard to say." Hephaistion pulled his traveling cloak closer around his form. "Maybe I *do* feel like I lost his love. When he said that I was nothing without him, I wondered what made him say that. I always thought that we belonged together, that we complimented each other. Alexander is the tactician. He knows how to win his battles, where I…"

Cleitus looked at Hephaistion's face now that the other man had stopped talking. 

"I thought that I had proven my worth to him, but now I wonder if it will ever be enough. Alexander demands so much. He sets his standards so high. Not just for himself, but for others as well." 

"Hephaistion, you made the right decision when you left the camp. The mere fact that you are questioning your worth should tell you that you had to get away from Alexander." 

"Cleitus, you have known us all your life. What do you think happened to Alexander and me?" Hephaistion threw his head back so his hair no longer hindered his view and he searched Cleitus' eyes. "Be honest with me."

Cleitus drew in a long breath. "I have seen the both of you change, Hephaistion. Let me start with Alexander. He has grown into a fine King, but he has become arrogant. He thinks he can take on the world and that he needs nothing and no one, but his strength is also his weakness and it will be his downfall. Alexander must learn humility again. He must be reminded that he used to be a different person – gentler, caring, and that he loved you."

Hephaistion could not find any faults in Cleitus' words. He had seen the same changes take place in his lover. "And me? What do you think of me?"

"I already told you that I respect you and that you can trust me." 

Hephaistion nodded his head once. "I believe that you have my best interest in mind."

"Good." Cleitus felt pleased that he was beginning to get through to Hephaistion. "I saw an opposite change take place in you. You became silent. Where your eyes once shone with love and pride, they became dark and haunted. You were trying so hard to live up to his expectations that you forgot you had needs too. Alexander sucked you dry, Hephaistion. He sucked your energy and love right out of you and he thrived on it, while you came to depend on him. Alexander only needed to nod and you would be carrying out his every wish. The balance shifted and was gone, Hephaistion. You allowed for that to happen, but truth be told, I do not think you had much of a choice. After all, you love Alexander and he is your King."

Hephaistion felt miserable after hearing Cleitus' opinion of him. "You think me weak."

"No!" Cleitus vehemently denied that. "You were always the strong one. Alexander depends much more on you than he wants to admit. He will soon realize though how much he needs you. That is why you had to get away from him, Hephaistion. We need to set the balance right." 

Hephaistion had listened carefully this time and had momentarily set aside his private doubts and fear. Everything Cleitus had said was true, but that still did not answer the ultimate question. "Why are you doing this, Cleitus? Why are you here with me, on our back to Babylon when you promised Philip to look after Alexander?"

"Because you are Alexander too." Cleitus gave Hephaistion a wink. "And maybe, you have more of Alexander in you than you know. You only need time to reconnect with yourself."

TBC

Part 3

That night, Alexander finally gave the signal to make camp a second time. He had made his men march for three hours, but even that had not been enough to placate his anger. When he entered his tent that night, his body was still taut with tension. 

Bagoas, who always accompanied him on his campaigns to look after him, had just finished erecting Alexander's temporary bed. A wooden tub had also been placed in the center of the tent and the eunuch had already had it filled with warm water. Bagoas stepped aside, lowered his gaze, and awaited his instructions. He had heard of Alexander's actions earlier that day and, although it had pleased him to see Alexander put Hephaistion in his place, he also knew the danger Alexander presented to him. No one was safe from Alexander at the moment. 

Alexander's gaze fastened on Bagoas' form. The eunuch was naked, save for a piece of black silk which he had gracefully wrapped around his waist and which hid those long, flexible legs. 

"I prepared a bath for you, Al'skander." Bagoas kept his tone light and soft, not wanting to attract too much of Alexander's attention. 

"I do not desire a bath, Bagoas." Alexander no longer tried to control himself. Here was the perfect prey for him to vent his anger on. Bagoas would never deny him, never fight him, and would let him get away with his appalling behavior. 

Bagoas shivered at hearing the ominous tone in Alexander's voice and involuntarily took a step away from his King. But Alexander acted instantly and grabbed him by his waist. Alexander had never taken him by force, but as he looked into those frenzied eyes, Bagoas knew himself in danger. Begging Alexander not to hurt him did not occur to him. He was there to please and, if it pleased Alexander to hurt him, than he would bear it. 

Alexander did away with the black silk and bared Bagoas to him. The eunuch's body was that of a dancer: elegant, strong, and flexible. It only took Alexander a few seconds to free his erection from his constraining chiton and he resolutely flung Bagoas onto the bed. He wanted to hurt the beautiful youth, wanted to hurt him so badly that he could not wait to hear Bagoas scream out in pain. 

He greedily covered Bagoas' body with his, wrapped his fingers around his erection, and pushed Bagoas' legs apart. Growling, he began to lower himself and the head of his erection pressed against the unprepared entrance to Bagoas' body. 

But then the large dark eyes registered with Alexander. They stared at him with fear and acceptance. Acceptance was something he had seen in Bagoas' eyes before, but the eunuch had never looked at him with such fear. Alexander froze and stopped himself from entering Bagoas. "I do not want to hurt you," he whispered. "I won't hurt you, Bagoas. I won't." He caressed Bagoas' face, but the fear remained in those deer-like eyes. "Calm down, Bagoas… Please, calm down."

Alexander wrapped his arms and legs around Bagoas and held him close. His erection had faltered the moment he had realized what he had been about to do. "I am so sorry that I scared you, Bagoas." Why could he not stop hurting the people he loved? 

"If you want to hurt me, hurt me, Al'skander." He had been hurt before and would survive. Alexander raised his head and looked at him in a way which Bagoas could only describe as broken. He knew what had happened that day: that Alexander had humiliated Hephaistion and that Hephaistion had left the camp and that those events had trigged Alexander's aggression. 

"No, I will never hurt you, Bagoas. Never." Bagoas was too delicate, fragile, and beautiful to be used in that way. "I need to vent my anger in a more healthy way." The fact that he had almost raped Bagoas frightened him. /What has become of me?/ 

Bagoas knew better than to reply to Alexander's remark. He stayed quiet and waited for Alexander to make his next move. 

Alexander held Bagoas for a few more minutes and eventually pressed a kiss onto the precious brow. "I will never hurt you," he said, repeating his promise. But he *had* hurt Hephaistion. "Bagoas, I want you to take that bath. Do not let the water grow cold. Use those oils you are so fond of and, when you are done, I want you to crawl into my bed and sleep. Do you hear me?" He had phrased everything like an order on purpose, knowing that when he did not, he would find Bagoas asleep on the cold earth. 

"I will do as you have told me to." This was Alexander's way to make amends and he accepted the offer. "And when you finally come to bed as well, I will be here to warm you."

"Thank you." Alexander kissed Bagoas' brow once more and then let go. He pushed himself to his feet, straightened out his tunic, and left the tent. He found Leonnatus standing guard and he gestured for his friend to follow him. "Bring a second sword."

Leonnatus acquired another soldier's sword and followed Alexander until they had reached a group of trees, which would shield them from curious looks. Alexander extended his hand and Leonnatus handed him the sword. 

"I am a dangerous man to spar with tonight," Alexander stated, thinking it only fair to warn his body guard.

"I will be on my guard." Leonnatus actually felt relieved that Alexander was choosing to fight him instead of venting his anger on Bagoas. "Is that all you can do?" He challenged Alexander on purpose, as it would only feed Alexander's rage. And when Alexander was as furious as this, he was not the best possible sword man. 

They sparred for an hour and Alexander attacked Leonnatus again and again. Wearing himself down that way, his anger slowly left him. Exhausted, he flung his sword away from him and collapsed onto his knees. Some semblance of peace descended onto him and he hid his face in his hands. 

Leonnatus sat down on the grass beside Alexander, but did not speak yet. He gave Alexander the time he needed to sort out his thoughts and emotions. 

"I miss Hephaistion… I cannot believe that he won't join me in bed tonight…" 

Leonnatus' expression softened. At least, this was a start. "You are exhausted, Alexander. You need to think before you speak. You should return to your tent and let Bagoas take care of you."

Alexander raised his eyes and aimed their proud gaze at Leonnatus. "I cannot go after him, Leonnatus. I am the King. He has to come to me."

"That is exactly why you should not be speaking yet. All the words which will leave your lips will be drenched in self-pity and pride." Leonnatus rose from the ground, extended his hands, and pulled Alexander to his feet. "I will walk you to your tent."

Alexander fell into step beside Leonnatus and forced himself not to think. His friend was probably right – he was not acting rationally.

~~~

A few minutes later, they arrived at Alexander's tent. Leonnatus returned to standing guard and Alexander ventured inside. The tub had been removed and Bagoas was asleep on his bed, just as Alexander had ordered him to. Alexander drew in a deep breath, bowed his head, and felt shame well up as he remembered how he had tried to force himself on Bagoas. He thanked the gods that he had managed to control himself just in time.

"Al'skander?" Bagoas' large eyes glistered in the darkness and the eunuch pushed the covers down. "Join me?" He was still prepared to do whatever was necessary to ease Alexander's mind.

"I will." Alexander shrugged out of his chiton and joined Bagoas in bed. He wrapped his arms around Bagoas and drew the lithe form close to him. He tucked Bagoas' head beneath his chin and stroked the long elegantly curved back. "Bagoas, I want you to promise me something." 

Bagoas raised his head and searched the tormented brown eyes. "I will do whatever you want me to." 

Alexander reached for something that lay beneath the bed and then handed Bagoas the item. It was a dagger. "I want you to promise me that you will defend yourself should I ever try to rape you again."

Bagoas blinked. "It would not have been rape, Al'skander. I would have let you."

Alexander closed his eyes and prayed for patience. A few minutes later, he opened them again and looked at Bagoas. "It would still be rape, Bagoas, because I would take what I want by force. I do not want you to submit to that. Promise me, Bagoas. Promise me that you will defend yourself against me."

"Al'skander, I could never attack you… Hurt you."

"You would be defending yourself, Bagoas! The truth is that I do not trust myself any more. I chased Hephaistion off and without him… without him… I…" Alexander lacked the words to describe the emotions coursing through him. "Take it." He pushed the dagger into Bagoas' hands.

Bagoas had no other choice than to take hold of the weapon. "But I won't need it, Alexander. You stopped before you could hurt me. I have faith in you."

"Then you have more faith in me than I have in myself." Alexander watched how Bagoas placed the dagger on his side of the bed and then Alexander protectively curled himself around the eunuch's body. Without Hephaistion, he had to work hard on controlling his emotions.

~~~

 

"We will make camp for the night and get some rest." Cleitus found the spot suitable and did not want to travel during the night. They needed to see any potential attackers coming. He instructed Hephaistion's men to secure the perimeter and to start a small fire. Next, Cleitus walked over to Hephaistion, who was still seated upon his horse. Looking at the handsome face, Cleitus saw that the eyes were already half-closed. It had been a grueling day for Hephaistion. "Come, I will help you down."

Hephaistion's eyes opened fully at hearing the remark. "I do not need your help." Hephaistion did not know what to make of the feelings running through him. A part of him appreciated that Cleitus was looking after him for it meant that the older man saw something valuable in him… valuable enough to take care of. But another part of him was frustrated because Cleitus thought that he could not take care of himself… that he was too weak to do things himself. 

Cleitus rested a hand on Hephaistion's right knee and the younger man instantly reacted to the touch by throwing him a sharp glare. Each and every emotion Hephaistion was going through was visible on his face and Cleitus understood more than Hephaistion thought. "There is no shame in admitting that sometimes you need someone to look after you. Let go of any false pride, Hephaistion. Alexander possesses enough for the both of you."

 

Hephaistion briefly closed his eyes. Cleitus was right again. He swung one leg to the other side and dismounted. Cleitus caught him in a tight hold when his knees threatened to give away beneath him. Hephaistion failed to stop a pain-filled groan from tumbling from his lips. Cleitus' hand was now putting pressure on the exact spot where Crateros had buried his fist in his abdomen. 

"You are hurting more than you told me." Cleitus released Hephaistion, but remained close enough to catch the younger man should Hephaistion have overestimated his strength. "Let us sit by the fire and fill our stomachs." Cleitus was grateful that Leonnatus had seen to it that they took ample water and provisions with them. 

Hephaistion was surprised to find that his men had started two separate fires. While the majority of the soldiers huddled around one of them, the other was obviously meant to warm Cleitus and him. They had even unrolled their bed rolls and Hephaistion got the hint. They wanted him to rest a bit more comfortably. His men had always been loyal to him and he deduced that they might even defy Alexander if it meant defending him instead. He still wondered what he had done to instill such loyalty in them. 

Cleitus accepted the food and water skins the soldiers handed him and placed them beside him after sitting down on the bed roll. Hephaistion was still standing and Cleitus gave him a questioning look. "Where did Crateros hit you?"

"In my abdomen. It hurts sometimes." That was quite the understatement, but Hephaistion refused to appear weak. He lowered himself onto the bed roll, but the movement made him nauseous and he glared at the food which Cleitus handed him. "I am not hungry." He would throw up the food if he ate any now.

"I want to see for myself." Cleitus placed the food aside and moved closer to Hephaistion.

Hephaistion's eyes widened the moment Cleitus began to uncover his abdomen. The hands were insistent and, although he tried to push them away, Cleitus sustained his effort to examine his abdominal area. 

"Stop fighting me, Hephaistion!" Cleitus had not intended to bark those words at Hephaistion and instantly regretted doing so because the younger man turned eerily quiet and stopped all resistance. /That is not a normal reaction. The old Hephaistion would have punished me for using that tone with him./ They still had a long way ahead of them where Hephaistion's mental recovery was concerned. 

Hephaistion grit his teeth and glared at Cleitus once the older man had pushed the fabric of his clothes aside. 

"You should have told me." Cleitus had sucked in his breath upon seeing the large and intense bruising on Hephaistion's abdomen. Yes, both of them had sustained and lived through more severe injuries on the battlefield, but their current situation greatly different from the one on a battlefield. Hephaistion's injuries were mostly emotional and the younger man's mental state would affect his recovery and probably hold it back. "You should have fought back." He straightened Hephaistion's clothes out, made sure every inch was once more covered with cloth, and then studied the restless eyes. 

"Alexander said that no one was to fight."

"If Alexander had not said that, would you have defended yourself?"

"Of course I would have." Hephaistion blinked. "Why are you asking?"

"Then it is Alexander's fault that you got beaten up, Hephaistion. If you had been at liberty to defend yourself, you would have done so."

"Your reasoning is twisted."

Cleitus laughed. "So is yours." Hephaistion's remark however pleased him. It showed a little bit of the fire that still slumbered beneath the surface. "You should eat, even if it is painful." He handed Hephaistion most of the food and waited for the younger man to start eating, which Hephaistion thankfully did. 

Hephaistion looked at Cleitus from over the rim of his bowl and said, "It feels strange to know that Alexander is not close."

Cleitus nodded his head and ate his share of the food. "You can finally get some rest, Hephaistion." The weak smile which the younger man gave him came as quite a surprise, but Cleitus welcomed it. "Watching over Alexander must be a hard job. Do you ever get time off?"

Hephaistion shrugged and then forced more food down his throat. He was not really hungry, but knew he had to eat. "It was not always like that. It started after he took possession of Babylon. That was when he began to change."

"His new power went straight to his head. The same thing happened to Crateros." Cleitus washed the food down with some water. "I am glad it did not happen to you."

"I do not care about power, Cleitus."

"You only care about Alexander, Hephaistion, and that is your weakness."

Hephaistion forced himself to examine Cleitus' observation in a distant and impersonal way. "You might be right."

"I *am* right." Cleitus sounded and looked smug. "Tell me, how are you going to fill your days once we are in Babylon?"

"I have not given the idea much thought." Hephaistion moistened his lips and lowered his gaze. "I am not certain I want to stay there."

Cleitus moved a little closer. "Where else do you want to go?"

"It has been so long since I have been at home. I would like to see my family again and now that Alexander is lost to me… I will need their support to pull me through."

Cleitus saw the wisdom to those words, but hoped Hephaistion would reconsider and not leave Babylon too quickly. He really believed Babylon was the perfect place for Hephaistion to recover and rediscover his talents. "You have my support regardless of what you will do."

Hephaistion gave Cleitus a surprised look and then blushed weakly. "Thank you. Though I have no idea what I have done to earn it."

"And that is exactly the point I am trying to make Hephaistion." It was high time that Hephaistion remembered who he really was.

~~~

Alexander pushed his army ruthlessly during the next four days. He denied them much needed rest, kept moving them from one spot to the next, and only spoke to Leonnatus. Perdiccas, Ptolemy, and even Crateros tried to engage him in conversation, but he did not reply to them. In the evenings, he would take Leonnatus aside and speak to him about Hephaistion. 

On the evening of the fourth day, Leonnatus sat with his back against a tree trunk and watched Alexander wear himself out by putting himself through a series of grueling training exercises. Exhausting himself physically was the only way Alexander was able to deal with Hephaistion's absence. Once Alexander returned to his tent, he would fall into a restless and dreamless sleep while Bagoas would hold him tight until the morning came.

"This cannot continue, Alexander." Leonnatus' worries concerning Alexander continued to grow. Alexander was not fit to command the army and would make mistakes. 

"What choice do I have?" Alexander stopped his training exercises and collapsed into a heap next to Leonnatus. "I have to wear myself out… I do not trust myself otherwise. My energy, my rage, needs an outlet."

"You should have vented your anger in this way instead of taking it out on Hephaistion." Leonnatus carefully probed Alexander's gaze.

"That is a bold statement."

"But you know it is the truth, Alexander. Tell me, what did Hephaistion do that it became so easy for you to aim your anger at him?"

Alexander shrugged once and sighed deeply. "He let me."

Leonnatus nodded. "And that was his mistake."

Alexander flinched. "You make it sound like I am a bad person to be around."

Leonnatus tilted his head. "For Hephaistion you are poison because he lets you treat him like that." 

"He loves me… No, he loved me, that is in the past now. He left me." His anger was trying to slip into his voice again and, like always, he aimed it at Hephaistion. "Patrocles never deserted his Achilles."

"Achilles never mistreated Patrocles like you did Hephaistion, Alexander."

Silence descended on them after Leonnatus made that statement. 

Alexander knew his friend was right. Hephaistion had put up with a lot; most of it had been uncalled for and had deeply hurt his lover. "What do I do, Leonnatus?"

"You give him time. You give yourself time." Leonnatus leaned in closer and placed a hand on Alexander's shoulder. "You love him. I know that. The feeling might have been snowed under, but it is still there. It will never leave, Alexander. I have never seen two people more in love than the two of you. Hephaistion worships the ground you walk on and he would sacrifice himself for your happiness. And that is where your task lies. You need to put a stop to that. Hephaistion cannot set back his needs constantly. You cannot demand that from him. You need to draw the line and make certain that Hephaistion's needs are met too."

"I always thought they were met. He never complained… Never said he needed something." 

"Alexander, Hephaistion would never say so. He wants *you* to be happy and fulfilled."

Alexander felt like he was about to break through some protective walls which he had erected around himself after taking Babylon, but just when he was about to puncture the barrier, the old defense mechanisms slammed into place again. "Let us not forget that Hephaistion deserted *me*, Leonnatus." 

Leonnatus felt frustrated. They had been making progress, and then all of a sudden, they were back at the beginning. But he was not giving up hope yet. This was a slow process and it would take Alexander time to come to terms with who he had become and what he had done to Hephaistion. It would not be realistic to expect that it would happen in a few days.

~~~

That night, Alexander slipped between the covers and watched Bagoas sleep. It did not happen often that Bagoas fell asleep before Alexander joined him, but this time the younger man had lost his battle to stay awake. Alexander used this rare opportunity to watch Bagoas. 

His feelings where Bagoas was concerned were complex. He had always felt protective of the younger man. He was not quite certain if he really loved Bagoas – he felt *something* for the eunuch, but the nature of those feelings mystified him. Like Hephaistion, Bagoas gave him unconditional love and accepted his misconduct, even when they should be reproving him instead. 

Alexander placed a chaste kiss on Bagoas' brow. The younger man did not wake, but did press closer to him in his sleep.

~~~

"Babylon!" Cleitus was pleased with the time they had made. They had rested little at Hephaistion's insistence and had kept up a good speed. But when he looked at his charge, Cleitus did not feel that pleased any more. Hephaistion had pushed himself to the limit. Hephaistion had not slept for the last five nights and had become even more depressed. Cleitus knew this because he had watched the younger man constantly. Those blue eyes had not closed during the night. Hopefully, now that they were there, people and activities would distract Hephaistion from his brooding. 

~~~

Massoud, the royal chamberlain, had not expected the Macedonians to return so quickly and was completely unprepared to assign suitable quarters. Stalling for time, he greeted them in a pompous manner, which earned him chuckles from Hephaistion. 

Cleitus liked the way Hephaistion reacted to being greeted in such a way and let the younger man do the talking. It was easy to see that Hephaistion felt at home there, dealing with Massoud.

"Be at peace, my friend. You have all the time you need to ready our quarters while we take a bath." Hephaistion knew Massoud needed time to have their rooms cleaned.

"Will you occupy your old rooms, General Hephaistion?" Massoud did not know how else to phrase his question. He did not want to offend his master, but had to know which rooms to prepare.

Hephaistion carefully schooled his expression. "No, I would appreciate it if you assigned different rooms to me." He refused to occupy Alexander's rooms, which he had shared before. 

Cleitus approved of the decision. "And make certain that they are located close to mine." He wanted to be able to locate Hephaistion without having to search the palace first. 

Massoud bowed. "I will. In the meantime, will you follow me to the baths?" One of his assistants was already hurrying away to ready the rooms for the Macedonian occupants. Although they had welcomed Alexander and his Companions with open arms, they still remained strangers.

~~~

"Don't be shy, Hephaistion! I have seen you naked before! By Ares, stop that!" Cleitus gave Hephaistion a probing look.

Massoud had cleared their section of the baths for them so they had their privacy and Cleitus had thought it a good idea to scrub each other's backs since he had a hard time reaching there himself. So, he had honed in on Hephaistion and had begun to clean him up. Hephaistion's reaction had been to hiss and to move away from him. "You can do my back after I do yours!"

Hephaistion had been startled at feeling Cleitus' hands upon him so unexpectedly. He had been lost in thoughts – thoughts which had been with Alexander and not Cleitus. "I…" Lost for words, Hephaistion decided to do the one sensible thing and he turned his back toward Cleitus in invitation to scrub it. "I did not expect that."

Although Cleitus *had* seen Hephaistion naked before, he had never had the opportunity to observe him from up close. The number of scars that marred Hephaistion's skin was impressive and equaled the ones Cleitus had sustained in battle. Cleitus had never realized just how many blows Hephaistion had taken in order to stop the enemy from injuring Alexander. Alexander would find his back unprotected in the next battle he would engage in. The two men who had always watched it were no longer at his side. 

~~~

"Do you want me to keep you company or…?" Cleitus wanted Hephaistion to decide whether they should return to their separate rooms or spend more time together. 

"I am not certain I can sleep yet." Hephaistion, clad in only a white robe, was still trying to get used to Cleitus' company. By now, he had accepted that the older man had his best interests in mind and that there was no hidden agenda on Cleitus' part. "Maybe we can talk a bit more?" 

Cleitus jovially wrapped an arm around Hephaistion's shoulders and followed the younger man into his rooms. He was glad that Hephaistion had not fallen into the trap of returning to Alexander's rooms. Hephaistion needed a place of his own first. "Sure, we can talk."

Hephaistion stepped onto his balcony and watched the city going to sleep for the night. Cleitus' arm, still wrapped around him, should have alarmed him, but it did not. He was growing more accepting, fond even, of the older man's presence, which was soothing. Not expecting Cleitus to start speaking in a peaceful moment like this, Hephaistion startled slightly when he did.

"When I left Pella to follow Alexander on this quest, I left behind a wife and two sons. I never got to see them grow up, Hephaistion. I do not even know if my family is still alive. Aetos, if he is still alive, would only be a few years younger than you are now." 

Hephaistion listened and tried to understand more about Cleitus. He had never had a chance to get to know the older man before.

"You are a bit too old to pass for my son, Hephaistion, but I shall be honest with you and admit to having developed some parental feelings for you." 

Hephaistion's eyes widened during Cleitus' admission. 

"I always thought of Alexander as a son and I will always watch over him. But you… The first time I saw you, I did not like you. I thought you were someone who was eager to rise on the social ladder and that it was the main reason for you to befriend Alexander."

"That is not true!"

"I know it is not. But that was my first impression of you and I believe in being honest." Cleitus' hand moved from Hephaestion's back to his shoulder and he squeezed the muscles there in a gentle, comforting way. "But by befriending Alexander you only made life more difficult for yourself. By becoming Alexander's love, your life took another unpleasant turn. Alexander's Companions, including myself, did not like seeing Alexander in a relationship like that, but throughout the years, I as well as many others, changed their opinion about you. You never took things easy on yourself, Hephaestion. You had to put up with a lot of scolding, abuse, and pestering because you loved Alexander so openly, but in time, we realized you were tougher than you looked and that your love for Alexander was true." 

Cleitus smiled, remembering an incident that had taken place during their first campaign. "We were drinking and you had already left when someone made a rude remark about you. It might have been Crateros, but you should have seen Alexander's reaction! He flung himself at the man who had insulted you and punched him on the face. Yes, now that I am thinking about it, it was Crateros. Alexander was livid!"

"Alexander never told me about that."

"Alexander was drunk, Hephaistion. I am not certain he remembered the incident the next day. But the point I am trying to make is how his reaction differed from the one he showed a few days ago. He defended your honor back then, and Crateros' comment had not been as nasty as the things he said recently. Alexander… He did not give the matter any thought and jumped on Crateros." 

"He loved me…" Hephaistion's face carried a rueful expression once he used the past tense.

"No, that is where you are wrong. He still loves you – he only needs to be reminded of that." Giving into his fatherly feelings, Cleitus pulled Hephaistion close and joined him in staring at the city below them, allowing his thoughts to run free.

TBC  
Part 4

Waking up in a warm, comfortable bed instead of the cold earth confused Hephaistion at first, but then he recognized his surroundings. He was at the palace in Babylon. Hephaistion stared at the ceiling for a while thinking on Alexander and wishing his lover were there with him. But then the nasty remarks Alexander had made one week ago returned to him. He rolled onto his side, pulled his knees close to his chest, and wrapped his arms around them. 

What had made Alexander say such hurtful things? Did Alexander really believe that *he* had made him? That his lover could just as easily break him? That he was nothing without Alexander?

Truth be told, Hephaistion was fairly certain that if Alexander had not been King but a mere soldier or peasant instead, that they would have been living quietly somewhere in Pella. Things would have been much less complicated and he would have hoped they would have grown old together. But, Alexander being Alexander, could never have stayed anywhere for long. The prospects of conquering and discovering new lands had an almost magical pull on Alexander, and his lover had been dragged with him. 

The more he thought about Alexander, and what their life had become like, the more depressed Hephaistion became. Not even the birds' sweet songs or the warm rays of the sun were able to stop him from brooding. He remained in bed feeling sorry for himself until a loud knock sounded on the door. The noise made him sit upright and he stared at the door, which was beginning to open. There was only one man who would enter without permission: Cleitus. None of the Persians would dare to do so. 

"By Aphrodite! Are you still in bed, Hephaistion?" Cleitus entered Hephaistion's rooms and headed for the bed. Taking in Hephaistion's tousled appearance, he realized that the younger man had not been awake for long. 

Hephaistion pressed the sheets against his chest. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to let you know that they need you." Cleitus seated himself at the foot of the huge bed and bit into the apple he had brought along. He had been tempted to dress in armor, but as he was not in any danger, he had opted for some robes which Massoud had had delivered to his rooms. His rooms were situated next to Hephaistion's, that way, he could keep a close eye on the younger man. "Apparently their nobles heard about your arrival and they are eager to pay you their respect."

"Me? Why me?" Hephaistion blinked. The sheets almost slipped, but he managed to pull them back into place again. He did not feel ashamed of his naked body, but Cleitus' presence was still something he was trying to get used to and he did not feel *that* comfortable yet to sit there naked. "Why would they want to do that?" 

Cleitus gave Hephaistion a thoughtful look. "You are Alexander too, remember? Even if you have forgotten that little tidbit of information, these Persians have not. When they look at you, they see a King." The fact that Hephaistion blushed made Cleitus chuckle. "Massoud told me that they expect you to hold an audience in an hour. That should give you plenty of time to make yourself presentable."

"Presentable?" Hephaistion ran a hand through his hair. "I should have gone straight home instead!"

But Cleitus saw the smile on Hephaistion's face and knew the younger man did not mean it. That smile also told Cleitus that Hephaistion was feeling better – only marginally – but still better.

~~~

Cleitus admired the grace with which Hephaistion moved among the Persians. He had never known that Hephaistion had learned some of their language and that he could actually carry on a conversation. This was Hephaistion's territory, what he excelled in: talking to people, forming new alliances, denying false rumors, and simply befriending everyone. 

At the end of the audience, Hephaistion had made many new friends and allies. Massoud seemed pleased and was now beginning to guide most of the Persian princes toward the exit once the audience was over. 

"You did well." Cleitus had kept to the background and had been content to watch Hephaistion charm the Persians. 

"Thank you." Feeling tired, Hephaistion collapsed into a chair. "They did not stop talking!" One or two Persians had even asked his advice in matters of state, which had utterly confused him. 

Massoud had ushered everyone from the room and then returned to Hephaistion's side. "Please forgive me, but they want to know if there will be another audience tomorrow. They did not have the chance to ask all their questions or for your advice."

Cleitus chuckled. He had a good idea where this would lead. The Persians were smart and had quickly deduced that Hephaistion was the man they needed to rule their empire. 

"What questions? What sort of advice?" Hephaistion pushed back his hair which had fallen into his face. He still felt that he looked ridiculous in the Persian robes, which were made from the finest silk. Brown was not his color and he was already yearning for the opportunity that he could slip out of them. *And* remove the kohl beneath his eyes. Massoud had insisted on applying it, saying it would keep the insects from attacking his eyes. Well, he had not seen one insect yet! But he *had* seen the admiring looks those princes had given him!

"They are not at liberty to make independent decisions and require your approval," Massoud answered, trying to explain. "Then there is the problem that harvest has been extremely bad this year and they expect food shortages during the upcoming winter. There are many mouths that need to be fed." Massoud paused and then added, "They told me that they are delighted you have returned. They are willing to put their trust in you to deal with these problems."

Hephaistion shook his head. "Surely there are more seasoned and experienced advisors who can deal with these problems?"

"But you are Alexander, my King. They trust you to take care of them." 

"Alexander should never have said that," Hephaistion murmured beneath his breath.

"Massoud, leave us. I need to talk to Hephaistion in private." Cleitus sat down at a distance from Hephaistion and waited for Massoud to leave the room. Once they were alone, Cleitus said, "Why not? Is it not true then? Are you not Alexander too?"

Hephaistion's head jerked back and he glared at Cleitus. "Alexander only said that because he did not want the Queen to feel embarrassed. He did not mean it, Cleitus."

But Cleitus resolutely shook his head. "You won't convince me of that."

"It is the truth." Hephaistion sighed and rested the back of his head against the pillowed head rest. "Alexander is the King… I am not. I am nothing without him, remember?"

Frustrated, Cleitus pushed his chair closer to where Hephaistion was sitting. "Let us do this your way then. It is true: you are nothing without Alexander."

Hephaistion blinked and forgot to breathe as he stared wide-eyed at Cleitus. "I thought you would never admit that!"

Cleitus however was not fazed. "And Alexander is nothing without you."

Hephaistion's gaze became alarmed. "How can you say that about him?"

"If you are nothing without Alexander, then Alexander is nothing without you." Cleitus carefully considered his next words. "I would say though that Alexander leans more heavily on you than you do on him. So he would be nothing without you and you would still be a force to reckon with without him."

Hephaistion shook his head in disbelief. "How can you speak about Alexander like that?"

"I am not talking about Alexander. *You* are the subject of this discussion."

Hephaistion felt tired and emotionally drained. "I should never have left Alexander. I should have stayed."

"And then what? How long until his next outburst burns you? No, leaving him was the best thing you could do – for him... and for yourself." Cleitus rose from his chair, extended a hand, took hold of Hephaistion's hand, and pulled the younger man to his feet as well. "Come, walk with me." 

Hephaistion allowed himself to be led onto another balcony. This time, the city beneath them was crowded with people and buzzed with activity. He had to admit that he liked Babylon and that he preferred the life here to being on one of Alexander's campaigns.

"This is Babylon, Hephaistion. Alexander might be under the impression that he conquered this city single-handedly, but he did not and you know it. You *should* know it, Hephaistion." 

"Maybe." Hephaistion smiled a little. "I do like it here."

Cleitus took in Hephaistion's appearance and noticed the blue eyes were sparkling again. They had not done so for quite some time. Being apart from Alexander was doing Hephaistion a world of good. If only the younger man would finally start believing in himself!

~~~

"Alexander? We have run into some problems." Perdiccas hated being the bearer of bad news, but someone had to tell Alexander.

Alexander had called for a meeting in his tent and his Companions had answered. Even Crateros, who had fallen in disgrace with Alexander, had been summoned to attend this meeting.

Alexander himself stood at the head of the table, which was crowded with maps. For the last half hour, he had tried finding the shortest route over the mountain range they were facing. "What problems?" Like he did not have enough problems to begin with! Normally it was Hephaistion who would study the maps and plan the route his army would take. Without Hephaistion, Alexander felt insecure and indecisive. "Well, say it!" Alexander looked Perdiccas in the eye and saw the discomfort there. He was tired of frightening his men – his friends – but this anger which was aimed at himself just would not leave him. 

"We are running out of water and I do not know where we can take in fresh water. Also, we are low on food supplies." Perdiccas flinched at seeing the astonished expression on Alexander's face.

"Why is this happening? Who is responsible for this?" Alexander had to use every ounce of willpower he could muster to not scream at his Companions.

"Well, technically, no one is. Hephaistion usually takes care of all supplies. He keeps the supply lines running and moves us from waterhole to waterhole." Perdiccas looked apologetically at Alexander. "I thought you were aware of that."

Yes, logistics was something Hephaistion excelled in and Alexander had entrusted these matters to his lover. But he had never taken in to account just how important, how vital, Hephaistion's position within his army had become. Alexander banged a fist onto the table and the maps shook beneath the impact of the blow. /We are without water and food and I do not how to lead them over the mountain range. Hephaistion, I never really acknowledged how instrumental you have been to my successes. I need you… I need you so much!/ 

Realizing his Companions were awaiting instructions, Alexander tried to make the best of it and told them to send out scouts, which would hopefully find water or a trading post. Alexander stared at the maps and finally realized the unforgivable mistake he had made. "All of you leave me… Leonnatus, I want you to stay."

All of the Companions were relieved that they had been given permission to leave. Alexander's expression and his indecisiveness had made them fear the worst. Leonnatus however stayed.

Leonnatus saw the change come over Alexander and wondered if this was it – the moment he had been waiting for... had hoped for. When those large, startled eyes looked at him, he managed a reassuring smile. "Did you finally realize the truth? Did you allow it in?" 

Alexander nodded and swallowed hard in an effort to rid himself of the emotions that had formed in his throat. "Hephaistion helped me achieve my victories. I never appreciated the things he did for me. Instead, I told him that I had made him and that he was nothing without me, when in truth… I am nothing without him, Leonnatus. I need Hephaistion like I need the air to breathe."

"Finally!" Leonnatus had never before felt more relieved. "I tried to tell you that you need him!"

"I never realized… never saw…" Alexander sat down heavily and shook his head. Still staring at the maps, he mentally reviewed everything he had just learned. "I never thought that keeping the supply lines running was that important or that difficult to manage. But Hephaistion did so much more. He only needed to have one look at a map and he knew what route we should take. We were always close to water and he knew exactly where to find a trading post."

Leonnatus remained silent, letting Alexander work things out. 

"Why did he not tell me? Why did he not call me on my behavior? By Apollo, the things I said to him!" Alexander could not possibly feel anymore disgusted by his own behavior and buried his face in his hands. Slumping forward in the chair, he continued to shake his head and mumble. "He should have told me off. Why did he not, Leonnatus? Why did he swallow all the vile things I said to him?" Alexander needed a few more minutes to compose himself and then raised his gaze so he could look at his friend. "Why?"

Leonnatus shrugged. "Hephaistion loves you and sometimes we accept abuse like that from the one we love."

"I was out of line – greatly out of line." Alexander's head reeled with the realization that he had taken Hephaistion's love, trust, and talent for granted. 

"Do you still feel like he deserted you?" Leonnatus poured Alexander some water. He was not going to allow Alexander to touch any wine right now. Alexander needed a clear head. 

"By Zeus, no!" Alexander downed the water and panted softly. The truth had impacted hard and he finally realized what a bastard he had been towards his lover. "It was the best thing he could have done. And I am happy that Cleitus went with him." When he had found out that Cleitus had left with Hephaistion, he had been furious, but now he felt grateful. Cleitus had always been a good friend and would doubtlessly take good care of Hephaistion. "I still cannot believe how I acted toward Hephaistion. You tried to tell me that I have become arrogant and that I mistreated him, but I never believed you until now."

Alexander ran a hand through his hair and released a deep sigh. "I made a mess of things. When did things begin to go badly?"

"After Babylon." Leonnatus sat on the corner of the table and looked Alexander in the eye. "You are our King and we believe in you. We trust you and we are loyal to you, but we also know that you could not have done it alone. Hephaistion might always walk in your shadow, but he is the one that looks after us. You once asked me why the men would feel such loyalty towards Hephaistion – that is why. He keeps them fed, makes sure they have water or wine to drink, and chooses the safest routes. They are not blind, Alexander. They know how much work he does."

"And I refused to see that. Oh, Hephaistion, how I wronged you!" Alexander jumped to his feet, flung the goblet to the ground, and stared defiantly at the maps. "My pride made me do this."

"Yes, that is true." Leonnatus had expected the outburst and did not feel threatened by it. "Alexander, you must ask yourself one question."

"What question?" Alexander cocked his head. 

"Is your love for Hephaistion stronger than your pride?"

Alexander blinked and found that the question was not as difficult to answer as he had feared. "Yes, it is."

"Then you know what you must do."

Alexander nodded his head once. "I must go after him. I must convince him that I still love him… that I still need him." Alexander felt like a changed man. The revelation had been sudden and complete and had upended his life – had changed everything he believed in. 

Leonnatus saw the return of the *old* Alexander in the brown eyes. The Alexander who had defended Hephaistion's honor, who had kissed him in public, who had openly adored Hephaistion... that was the Alexander who would win back Hephaistion's love. 

A wicked grin surfaced on Alexander's face. A gigantic burden had been lifted from his shoulders and he felt young again, young and ready to face this challenge. "I will win him back, Leonnatus. I do not care what I need to do in order to win back his love."

Leonnatus was rather certain that Alexander would not have to do that much to win Hephaistion back. /Hephaistion never stopped loving you, Alexander. You merely needed to be jolted back to reality./

~~~

"How many more?" Hephaistion was doing his best to act patient and polite, but there seemed to be an endless line of Persians who wanted to plead their case with him. Hearing Cleitus' chuckle, Hephaistion gave the older man an annoyed look. Cleitus was obviously enjoying himself. 

"Only one more, your majesty."

It had happened overnight, it seemed. Everyone was now addressing him as their King and calling him 'majesty', something which made Hephaistion blush each time they said it. "One more case then." And after that, he would retire. 

Four people appeared in front of him: a daughter with her father and a son with his. The fathers had promised the hands of their children in marriage, but it appeared that the daughter was unwilling to honor this arrangement. Hephaistion forced himself to pay attention, knowing that his ruling would greatly affect her life. "What is the problem?" 

"The problem, Great King, is that she has fallen in love with someone else! A peasant! She now refuses to marry her intended husband and that reflects badly on my honor!" the father of the bride declared.

"Please, Great King, I do not love him!" The young woman threw herself at Hephaestion's feet. "I want to marry the man I love."

The crowd grew quiet when Hephaistion rose from the throne Massoud had had erected for him. He helped her back to her feet and gave her a reassuring smile. "Why won't you set her free to marry the one she loves?" he asked the father of the groom.

"I need the dowry that she will bring into my family, Great King. My cattle died, the animals did not survive the draught and this marriage means that I can start all over again. Her father will give me ten cows when they marry."

"That is it? That is your reason to insist they marry?" Hephaestion glared at the two fathers. "You are afraid to lose your honor and you want her for her dowry?"

Cleitus chuckled, but made certain no one heard it. Hephaistion was angry, but managed to hide it well. He was curious to find out what the younger man would decide in this matter.

"You, give him the ten cows you promised him." Hephaistion silenced the two fathers when they began to bicker all over again. Next, he addressed the groom. "Do you love her?"

"No, Great King, I do not."

Hephaistion told himself to remain patient. These people should be able to sort things out themselves. Why did they have to bring this before him? "Is there someone else who has captured your heart then?"

"Yes, Great King... her sister."

Could it be that easy? Hephaistion made his decisions right then and there. "You will marry her sister and that will save the honor of the father of the bride." Hephaistion looked at the young girl and realized that he had not let go of her hand during their discussion. He did so now and sat down again. "And you are free to marry your love."

"Thank you, your majesty!" This time, the girl kissed Hephaistion's feet out of gratitude and then flung herself at the crowd. A man stepped forward and caught her in his arms. At the same time, the groom wrapped his arms around the sister and the two fathers sealed the arrangement with a handshake.

"Smart, very smart," Cleitus said once the room had been cleared of spectators. 

But Hephaistion shook his head. "No, it was just very fortunate that he loved her sister." 

Massoud was very pleased with the decisions his new King had made and bowed to show his respect when he approached Hephaistion. "If there is anything we can do to distract you – to entertain you – please let me know. The harem still harbors some very talented dancers, male and female, who would be honored to dance for you."

"Let them dance for you," Cleitus suggested, giving Hephaistion a pleased grin.

Hephaistion nodded his head. There was no way he was going to win now that the two of them had teamed up against him.

~~~

The dancers performed admirably, but Cleitus had long realized that Hephaistion's thoughts were elsewhere. They were seated on satin pillows and surrounded by the most gorgeous women and young men he had ever seen, but they clearly held no attraction for Hephaistion. Cleitus slowly slid his fingers into the long, auburn hair and drew Hephaistion's attention that way. /He looks like a King tonight./ Hephaistion was dressed in grey and silver. A masterly-crafted circlet had been worked into his hair and Massoud had applied the kohl royally once more. Cleitus understood only too well why Alexander wanted Hephaistion that much. Why Alexander loved Hephaistion and he hoped that by now Alexander had remembered the same thing. 

Hephaistion did not flinch away from the unexpected touch like he had at the beginning of their unlikely friendship. "Sorry, I was thinking of Alexander – and his army."

"By now, Alexander will have realized how much he needs you." Cleitus had not been blind or deaf. He had seen how much time Hephaistion had put into preparing their campaigns... how detailed his maps were and how painstakingly accurate his plans were. "I do hope Alexander will admit to having been wrong before it is too late."

"Do you seriously believe that he will ever admit to being wrong?" Hephaistion blinked. "Then you do not know Alexander very well."

"Maybe he will surprise you, Hephaistion." Cleitus had seen the changes Hephaistion had gone through these last few days. Once Hephaistion had realized and accepted how much these people wanted and valued his counsel, peace had come over him. Hephaistion's eyes shone again and the younger man smiled a lot more. Cleitus suspected that the feelings of low self-worth were still there and he also knew that he could not take them away. There was only person who could do that – Alexander.

TBC

Nothing without You  
Part 5

Perdiccas and Antigonus gave each other concerned looks. It was not like Alexander to call for a second meeting on the same evening. They had only left two hours ago! And yet, Alexander had ordered them to join him in his tent again. Ptolemy, Crateros, and Nearchus were equally worried about Alexander's current mental state. The confidence of the soldiers in Alexander was dwindling and it had all started the moment their King had humiliated Hephaistion. All five of them, Crateros included, had underestimated Hephaistion's importance. 

"Alexander, we are here, but why did you summon us?" Antigonus addressed his King, who now joined them. He noticed that Leonnatus was walking behind Alexander and, normally that would not attract any attention, but Leonnatus had been close to their King for days now. 

Nearchus studied Alexander and blinked at seeing the change in his old friend. Alexander radiated energy and fervor and was unable to stand still for more than three seconds. The brown eyes shone with enthusiasm and the blond hair danced against Alexander's shoulder blades. The transformation was remarkable and made all of the Companions stare at their King in surprise. What had happened during these last two hours? What had caused this change? 

"I summoned you here because I have news... important news, my friends!" Alexander raised his hands and gestured wildly, drawing their gazes to him. "Nearchus, Antigonus, I am putting the two of you in command of my army and I want you to lead our men back to Babylon."

Alexander's words caused great commotion among the Companions. "We are retreating? Why?" Nearchus, although flattered that he had received a shared command with Antigonus, shook his head. "What has happened?"

"I realized that I was wrong." Alexander's passionate movements calmed down somewhat. "You know what I called Hephaistion a few weeks ago. You heard me humiliate him in front of our men."

Ptolemy nodded his head. "We did." So far, they had not discussed that incident. No one had dared to call Alexander on his behavior. 

"I was wrong!" Alexander raised his voice to make sure everyone heard him and that there would be no misunderstandings later. "I wronged him and I realize that I need to make amends. I have decided to return to Babylon, where Hephaistion and Cleitus are staying, and I will win back his love."

Crateros growled softly, but did not dare to oppose his King. Ever since he had insulted Hephaistion, he had not been trusted with a new command. 

"Yes, you should do that," Antigonus said. He was older than the rest and had seen many relationships break apart. This however was one relationship he did not want to see destroyed. "The two of you are good for each other. You compliment each other."

"I am glad that you agree!" Alexander patted his General on his back. "I will take my personal guards with me and I will leave within the hour. I want you and Nearchus to look after the army. Guide them back to Babylon. We will launch another campaign once I have Hephaistion's support again."

Perdiccas laughed softly. "I *was* wondering how long it would take you before you went after Hephaistion."

"We need him," Ptolemy said, "but it is more than that. *You* need him, Alexander. Only when you have him at your side are you able to lead us to victory."

A few days ago, such a statement would have enraged Alexander, but not any longer. He now acknowledged the important part Hephaistion played in his life. "Trust me, I will gain his favor again! I will! I swear so to Zeus!"

"Then go," Nearchus urged, nudging Alexander toward the exit. "Go and reclaim him." 

Looking at his Companions, Alexander saw they were smiling at him – all but one. Crateros… He would keep Crateros away from Hephaistion. He did not want the two men to meet again. 

~~~

Alexander mounted his trusted Bucephalus and pressed his heels into the mighty flanks. Leonnatus and the rest of his personal guards also mounted and took up position alongside him. The army had reacted with stunned surprise when they had realized that their King was going to abandon them. They did not know what to make of Alexander's unexpected departure. 

But then, soft murmuring started. One soldier had learned the reason of Alexander's sudden departure and was now passing the message along. It did not take long for the crowd to learn that Alexander was returning to Babylon because he was going after Hephaistion. 

No one knew who started the cheering, but it began all of sudden. At first, it was only a handful of soldiers, probably members of Hephaistion's squadron which had remained with the army, who cheered Alexander on, but after a few minutes, more soldiers joined in and called out to their King, wishing him good luck and a good hunt.

Alexander grinned at hearing that. Yes, he was on the hunt – Hephaistion did not know yet that he was Alexander's prey. When Alexander whipped Bucephalus into a gallop, the crowd let loose a loud roar, which sent their King off in the direction of Babylon. 

/Prepare yourself to be conquered, Hephaistion, for I will win back your love!/ 

~~~

The next few days passed by rather uneventfully for Hephaistion. There were audiences to attend, advice to give, plans to make, and he was growing used to being needed. Cleitus watched everything with shining eyes. Hephaistion was growing in his role and even found a way to replenish the grain supplies, which had been extremely low due to the ruined harvest. 

Cleitus felt the time had come for him to return to Alexander's army, especially since Alexander hadn't bothered to come after Hephaistion. That told Cleitus that Alexander was still set on crossing into India, and when the army did so, they would need him. Hephaistion, on the other hand, no longer needed him – not really. 

~~~

Cleitus found Hephaistion curled up on the windowsill. As far as he knew, Hephaistion had not entered Alexander's chambers since their arrival and Cleitus was grateful that Hephaistion had managed to create a home in these rooms. 

"What are you doing?" he asked as he walked over to Hephaistion. It was a bit chilly that night and Hephaistion had covered himself up with some furs. His underlined, amazingly blue eyes looked up at him with something that reminded him of child-like wonder. This was the Hephaistion he remembered from their first meetings. This was the man who had captivated Alexander's heart and who had slowly, but surely, earned the Companions' trust.

"I found a copy of 'The Iliad' in their library. Alexander must have put it there." Hephaistion smiled at Cleitus and made way for the older man so he could sit down opposite him. Pulling his knees closer to his chest, Hephaistion wrapped his arms even tighter around his legs. Hephaistion rested his head against the wall and studied Cleitus. It was obvious that the other man wanted to tell him something and he told himself to be patient. Cleitus would tell him when the time was right. "I cannot recall the last time I had the opportunity to sit down and read."

"How long have we been here now?"

"Two weeks."

"And look at the change in you, Hephaistion." Cleitus placed one of his large hands on Hephaistion's knee and squeezed it through the furs. "You have come alive again. You possess energy, your eyes glow, and when you smile, that smile reaches your eyes." But Cleitus knew that such an outer transformation did not mean Hephaistion had also let go of his feelings of low self-worth. 

"I never thought being away from Alexander would be good for me." Hephaistion's voice was soft and tender. "But I still miss him, Cleitus."

"I know that you do." Cleitus smiled ruefully. "Are you really convinced that he won't come for you?"

"It has been two weeks now, Cleitus. If he had wanted me back, he would have long been here." 

Hephaistion's expressive eyes filled with sorrow and Cleitus squeezed his friend's knee again. "Well, one good thing has come out of it. We are friends now."

Hephaistion forced himself to smile. "Yes, that is true." But forming a friendship with Cleitus did not compare to having his lover at his side. There was only one Alexander.

"Hephaistion, I… There is no easy way to say this, I guess." Cleitus felt Hephaistion's alarmed gaze on him and moved a bit closer. "I have decided that it is time for me to return to the army. I do not want to leave you alone, but I *do* believe that you have found your place here."

"I will accompany you!" Hephaistion nodded his head fervently. "I will join the army with you!"

"No."

Cleitus' decisive reply made Hephaistion blink his eyes. "No?"

"No. Alexander needs to come to you. I will be damned if I allow you to be treated like that again."

"But, Cleitus… that is not your decision to make. If I choose to return to Alexander's side, that is my decision." 

"Hephaistion, do you really want to go back to feeling miserable all the time? Alexander will continue to mistreat you and will have learned nothing." Cleitus hoped he would get through to Hephaistion. "Alexander has to come to you, Hephaistion."

"He won't." 

The finality to Hephaistion's voice made shivers run down Cleitus' spine. "Then he does not love you."

Hephaistion did not reply and stared out of the window instead. There was a full moon that night and a cloudless sky, which allowed him to take in the courtyard situated below his rooms. A few pages were crossing it, still running errands at the late hour. "I never thought it would end this way, Cleitus."

"Neither did I." Cleitus could not believe that Alexander had not come for Hephaistion. He had been convinced that Alexander still loved Hephaistion.

Commotion below in the courtyard caught Hephaistion's attention. He had been staring at the main gate and was the first to sight the group of riders which were heading toward the main entrance. For one moment, he thought he recognized the horse that ran up front, but it could not be Bucephalus… Its rider could not be Alexander. Hephaistion's gaze shifted from the main gate back to Cleitus' face. "I understand that you have to go and I wish you the best of luck. Try not to lose your head, or other important body parts."

"I will try my best. My main concern will be staying out of Alexander's sight. He won't be pleased that I stayed with you." Cleitus had also caught sight of the riders and frowned. That helmet… that plume… the number of guards… 

"Hephaistion, I need to leave you for a bit, but I will return later." After uttering those words, Cleitus stormed out of the room and into the corridor.

Alexander had arrived.

~~~

Hephaistion wondered about Cleitus' sudden departure, but then shrugged it off. Still comfortably huddled beneath his furs, he resumed his reading.

~~~

Cleitus mentally prepared himself for every possible scene, ranging from Alexander threatening to kill him to a remorseful Alexander who had come to beg for Hephaistion's forgiveness. Before he would let Alexander into Hephaistion's rooms, he would make certain that his King had not come to inflict more hurt on his lover.

The first person Cleitus saw was Leonnatus, who led the way. Alexander would not walk up front, just in case of a possible attack. Although he was not armed, Cleitus stood wide-spread and blocked their path. First, Alexander and he were going to talk. 

Alexander was flying up the stairs. He had met Massoud at the main entrance and had quickly persuaded the chamberlain to tell him the whereabouts of Hephaistion's rooms. Seeing Cleitus block his path forced Alexander to stop climbing the stairs. "Stand aside, Cleitus. You won't keep him away from me."

"Why are you here, Alexander? To humiliate him further? Has Hephaistion not suffered enough at your hands? Do you know how deeply you have hurt him? He is only now beginning to recover from what you did to him!" Cleitus had grown bold and was poking Alexander in the chest with a finger. "I won't allow it. I won't allow you to hurt him again!"

"I am not here to hurt him!" Alexander exploded and shoved Cleitus out of the way. 

Cleitus shivered at seeing the expression in Alexander's eyes. What emotion lay in that gaze? 

"I am here to make amends! I am here to beg for his forgiveness! I am here to reclaim my Hephaistion, my Patrocles!" Alexander's gaze flew up the stairs and fastened on the door to Hephaistion's rooms. 

"Alexander, calm down. Do you remember what we talked about?" Leonnatus placed his hand on Alexander's shoulder and talked to him in a controlling voice. "You have to stop your temper from taking control. Remember, your love is stronger than your pride. Cleitus has plausible reasons to believe that you will continue to hurt Hephaistion and screaming at him won't make him change his opinion."

Alexander drew in several drew breaths and composed himself. "You are right…" He needed Leonnatus to be his voice of reason right now. "Cleitus, I should thank you for looking after Hephaistion, but that really is my job, and yes, I have done a poor job lately, but I am ready to take my place at his side again. I learned a lot these last two weeks. Please let me talk to him. Let me make him understand that it is I who is nothing without him."

Alexander's words spoken in a calm and controlled voice convinced Cleitus to give his friend this last chance. "But if you hurt him again, Alexander, I will make you pay."

"I won't… I won't hurt him again. Please let me pass. Let me go to my lover… I need him and I know he needs me." Alexander hoped Cleitus would have pity on him and let him pass.

Cleitus eventually nodded his head. "Go to him then. But be gentle with him. He is still hurting – here," he said and placed his hand over his heart.

"I know… I will take that pain away." Now that Alexander was finally free to step into Hephaistion's rooms, he felt nervous. /Aphrodite, let me find the right words and let me get through to him./

~~~

Hephaistion did not look up from his reading when he heard the door open and close again. He simply assumed that Cleitus had returned to resume their conversation. "What caused you to rush out like that?"

Alexander's heart pounded like mad at finally seeing Hephaistion again. They had only been apart for two weeks, but he felt like he had not seen his lover for years. Hephaistion looked as beautiful as ever. No, he looked even better. The dark circles beneath the ocean-blue eyes were gone and the only black that remained was due to the kohl that had been applied to his eyes. The long hair disappeared beneath the furs and all that peeked out from beneath the furs was one hand holding a book... A book which he recognized by its cover.

Alexander held his breath, waiting for the moment when Hephaistion would finally stop reading and look at him. 

"It is a chilly night. There are more furs over on the bed." Hephaistion snuggled deeper beneath his furs and smiled happily. 

Now that Hephaistion was not looking up the tension became too much for Alexander. He took a step forward and said in a trembling voice, "Hephaistion? Please look at me."

Hephaistion's heart forgot that it was supposed to beat and stopped momentarily. Cold sweat erupted from Hephaistion's pores and his breathing quickened. "Alexander?" He almost felt afraid to look up and tried to postpone the moment.

"Yes, I am here. Why won't you look at me, Hephaistion?" Alexander took another step, and another, and eventually ended up standing in front of his lover, who still refused to look at him. "Hephaistion? My sweet Hephaistion?" Alexander did not know what came over him the next moment, but he went down on his knees. "Hephaistion? Please?"

Unable to deny Alexander any longer, Hephaistion gathered his courage and looked at him. Alexander was covered in dust and grime and looked exhausted. The brown eyes however shone with emotion and it was not anger this time around. "What are you doing here?" He had been so convinced that Alexander would not come for him that he had a hard time believing that his lover had come to him. 

Alexander raised his hands, pushed the furs aside, and located Hephaistion's hands. Like his, they were shaking. Needing a connection to his lover, he curled his fingers around them and held them close. "Please forgive me for taking this long to come to you, my Hephaistion."

Hephaistion's heart was having trouble in finding its original rhythm again and continued to pound in his throat. The loving expression in Alexander's eyes was something Hephaistion had never expected to see again. "You should be with your army."

"I do not care about the army right now. Hephaistion, I care about you." He rubbed his lover's cold and clammy fingers and drew in a deep breath. On his way over here he had prepared dozens of speeches, but none of them seemed right now. The words he was going to speak had to come from his heart. 

"Hephaistion?" Alexander freed his right hand and began to turn his lover toward him. Once they were face to face, Alexander shuffled closer on his knees and clasped Hephaistion's hands in his once more as they rested on Hephaistion's knees. "You look even better than I remember." The burgundy robe, made of the finest silk, made Hephaestion look even more desirable and Alexander wanted nothing more than to slide his fingers into the auburn hair and to pull Hephaistion into his arms. But he could not do that yet. 

Hephaistion's heart continued to race. Seeing Alexander so unexpectedly had thrown him off balance. 

"Hush, do not speak, Hephaistion. Let me go first." Alexander waited for Hephaistion to nod. The perplexed expression in the blue eyes told him that his lover had not expected him to come for him. /Did you lose all faith in me, Hephaistion? Can I restore it?/ 

Alexander gently squeezed Hephaistion's fingers in an effort to convince himself that his lover was real and not just a figment of his imagination. "I am sorry. I am sorry that I lashed out at you. I did not have the right to say those things to you... things which are not true to begin with. You helped me build my army. You helped me achieve my victories. You had just as much a part in them as I did." 

Hephaistion was beginning to feel light-headed and realized he was still holding his breath. Finally drawing in fresh air, he continued to look into Alexander's eyes, which seemed to have bewitched him. 

"The truth is that I am nothing without you, my Hephaistion. I realized that during these last two weeks. Yes, I also realized how important you are to the army, but the discovery that I need you so much was what upended my life. Hephaistion, I have treated you so badly this past year. Conquering Babylon changed me for the worse and you got hurt because of it."

"Alexander…" Hephaistion did not want to cry in front of his lover, but was unable to stop the tears from sliding down his face. Combined with the kohl, they left black streaks on his face. "You do not have to…"

"No, I have to do this. I humiliated you in front of our men." He needed to humiliate himself in front of his lover now. He had to set the balance straight. "I do not know how I could have been so blind. I do not know why I stopped loving you the way I did. When I heard that Crateros had called you my whore I should have bashed his head in."

"I am glad you did not. You need him. The army needs him." Hephaistion smiled weakly, happily. He had wanted to hear those words for so long and had almost given up hope that Alexander would ever speak them. "You are here now, that is the only thing that matters to me."

"I will make amends for my misconduct, Hephaistion. I will work hard on making you happy. I will never again forget how much I love you… How much I need you, but Hephaistion, you have to kick me in the butt should I ever behave like that again! I do not want you to put up with that!"

"I will kick you in the butt if that is what you want." Hephaistion freed one hand and entangled his fingers in Alexander's curly hair. "I missed you so much."

"Are you certain you want to accept my apology that quickly? That easily?" Alexander had not thought his lover would go easy on him. 

"I love you, Alexander… Love forgives many things."

Alexander flung himself at Hephaistion and buried his lover in a tight embrace. He had to feel him, breathe in his scent, *feel* him. 

"Alexander…" Hephaistion smiled against the blond hair. Alexander was hugging him so tight that he found it hard to breathe. 

Alexander loosened his hold just a little. Now that he had apologized it was time to carry out the second part of his plan. "Hephaistion, I have been thinking about the two of us. Our love… our relationship..."

Hephaistion remained quiet and wondered if he should grow worried again.

"I have never let you…" Alexander actually blushed and lowered his gaze. "I have never let you take me."

Hephaistion did not know what to make of that statement. "No, you have not. But that is very understandable, after all, you *are* my King." 

"But I want to be your lover first." Alexander sounded more resolute now and lifted his gaze to meet Hephaistion's puzzled eyes. "I want you to take me, Hephaestion. I want that."

Hephaistion stared at Alexander in confusion. They had been together for years and never once had Alexander mentioned anything like this. "But why would you want to do that?"

"I should have made this decision many years ago, Hephaistion. I do not want you to think that you are worth less than me! I made that mistake for much too long. You are the other half of my soul, Hephaistion. You belong at my side and I belong at yours. Please do this… Do this for *us*." Did Hephaistion understand the true meaning behind his request? "I want you to take me, my sweet Hephaistion." The act would empower Hephaistion in so many ways!

Hephaistion remained undecided though. "Alexander, I cannot do that… You are my superior. You know how this works." 

Alexander pushed himself to his feet and used his hold on Hephaistion's hand to pull him along. He guided his confused lover over to the bed and sat Hephaistion down. "Where do you keep the oil?" He might be a seasoned warrior, but he was not going to do this without proper lubrication!

"Oil?" Hephaistion blinked. "There is some oil in the bathroom." He rubbed it into his skin after he had taken a bath. 

Alexander regretted letting go of Hephaistion's hand, but stepped into the bathroom and retrieved the oil. He placed the phial on the bed and remained standing in front of his lover. With his fingertips, he wiped the black kohl from Hephaistion's face. "I do not want you to cry ever again. Not over something stupid that I did." Alexander reached for Hephaistion's robes, unbuttoned them, and slid them down his lover's shoulders. "I have neglected you for much too long." The last time they had made love – passionate love – had been months ago. "Let me awaken your body again, Hephaistion." He pushed his lover onto his back and the look in those blue eyes would have been comical in other circumstances, but now it served to remind Alexander to be gentle. 

Alexander's bold actions completely overwhelmed Hephaistion. Only a few minutes ago, he had been reading and now Alexander was here, desiring to make love with him. "Alexander, I need…" 

"It won't take much longer, my love…" Alexander made quick work of removing his clothes. He was sweaty, covered in dust, but knew that would not matter to his lover. He straddled Hephaistion's hips and looked deeply into the blue eyes. "Touch me."

Hephaistion slid his hands up Alexander's chest and his fingertips recognized the familiar texture of his lover's skin. "I cannot believe you came for me." 

"I am here… I am here…" Alexander leaned in closer and finally kissed Hephaistion's lips, which tasted of salt. "I love you," he whispered, running the tip of his tongue along his lover's top lip. "I love you and I need you. I have been such a fool, Hephaistion. I let you go… No, I chased you off, while all I really wanted was to hold you and make love with you." 

Hephaistion stared at Alexander and read the truth in his lover's eyes. Alexander meant every word he had said. "Make me feel you…" 

Alexander was determined to worship his lover's body and ran fingertips, lips, and the tip of his tongue over Hephaistion's skin. He lapped at the skin, let his tongue circle in the shallow of Hephaistion's belly bottom, and then moved downward. 

Hephaistion's eyes widened. "Alexander…"

"There is no need to be alarmed… You have done this countless times for me and it is about time I get to indulge myself in the same way."

He had never felt Alexander's tongue on his member before and Hephaistion was afraid he would come from that sensation alone. But Alexander kept the licks and sucking light and did not bring him to the edge yet. "You are so beautiful, Hephaistion, and I love you so much. I *need* you so much!"

Alexander's words found a way into Hephaistion's subconscious and lessened the pain he had suffered when he had been so publicly humiliated. 

"I am nothing without you… nothing at all." Alexander pressed kisses against his lover's flat abdomen, ran his fingertips lightly over a muscular thigh, and licked one erect nipple until Hephaistion started to squirm beneath him. "I am nothing without you, but I am whole when you are with me… when we are one…" 

He reached for the oil, uncapped the phial, and poured the oil onto Hephaistion's erection. He wanted to draw out their foreplay, wanted to kiss Hephaistion until the morning came, but the need to unite the two of them won in the end. 

"I do not want to lose you ever again, Hephaistion. Please do not leave me ever again. Kick my ass, hit me in the head, throw a bucket of ice cold water over me, I do not care what you do, but do not accept any abuse ever again. I love you… How could I have forgotten that?"

Hephaistion felt helpless and at Alexander's mercy, but in a good way. Normally he was the one pleasuring his lover and to be in this position was new. "I love you, Alexander. I never wanted to leave you, but…" 

"I can accomplish everything with you at my side, Hephaistion. I can conquer the world, but I need you at my side." He had never done this before and Alexander felt apprehensive about impaling himself on his lover's erection, but in the end, he followed through and lowered himself slowly until his buttocks made contact with Hephaistion's groin. 

"I did it… I actually did it." It had not been painful. Yes, there was some discomfort, but he barely acknowledged it. The fact that Hephaistion and he were one was much more important. "I love you…" Alexander purred the words and then lowered his upper body onto Hephaistion's. He pushed his arms beneath his lover's back and pulled him close. Never before had he felt this connected to Hephaistion. 

Hephaistion, too dazed to take charge of their lovemaking, clung to Alexander, and wrapped his arms around his lover's waist. They barely moved; this was about love and the connection they shared. Their slow lovemaking reminded both of them why they loved and needed the other. Why they complimented each other and, in the end, their kisses deepened and their breathing became one. 

Alexander could hold back no more. The tip of Hephaistion's member constantly rubbed against that sweet place inside him and pushed him persistently toward orgasm. "Hephaistion, I love you…" Alexander whispered those words while experiencing one of the most remarkable orgasms ever. His semen erupted from the head and dripped onto his lover's skin. "I need you so much…" 

Hephaistion's eyes were once more releasing tears. He was crying because he was happy, because Alexander had finally made everything right. Those feelings of low self-worth melted like snow before the sun. "I love you, Alexander." He closed his eyes the moment he found release and felt Alexander in more ways than just the physical one. For one eternal moment, he felt Alexander's spirit connecting with his. 

Alexander claimed Hephaistion's lips in a slow, but passionate kiss. The kiss made Hephaistion open his eyes and Alexander gasped at the expression in them. He had seen it before, but Hephaistion's eyes had lost that glow during these last few months. Those eyes burned with love for him. "I love only you, Hephaistion."

"I know you do." Hephaistion tightened his hold on Alexander and his lover rested his head against a shoulder. Holding Alexander close, Hephaistion marveled about the things that had happened during these last few minutes. 

Alexander ran his fingertips lazily across Hephaistion's chest and trailed over one of the scars his lover had sustained while watching his back. "I ordered Nearchus and Antigonus to bring the army back to Babylon. I will not march for India this year." 

Hephaistion blinked at the unexpected information. "You won't? Why?"

Alexander lifted his head and rested his chin on Hephaistion's chest so he could still look into his lover's eyes. "These next few months will be ours, Hephaistion. Come what may, I will make love with you each night for the next year." This was his last gift to his lover. His final attempt to make amends. 

Hephaistion could not believe it. "What did you do with the real Alexander?"

"This is the real Alexander. He got carried away, but he now found his way back to you. Will you still have me, Hephaistion? Are you still my Patrocles?" Alexander read the answer to his questions in those amazing eyes.

"I never stopped being your Patrocles. I love you, Alexander. I will love you as long as I shall live." 

"Then everything is right in my world again." Alexander rested his head against Hephaistion's shoulder and snuggled up to his lover. He was beginning to doze off, but fought to stay awake a little longer. Now that his Patrocles was with him once more, he wanted to feel him as long as possible. By the gods, he had almost thrown this away – Hephaistion's love, their happiness!

Hephaistion's hand settled in his hair and massaged his scalp. "Not fair…" Hephaistion knew that the gesture relaxed him and would make him fall asleep within minutes.

"Go to sleep, Alexander. You made amends and you still have my love." Hephaistion kept up the touch and felt Alexander fall asleep. His lover's breathing slowed down and Alexander tightened his hold on him during his sleep.

Hephaistion was about to follow his lover into sleep when he heard a door opening. Alert at once, his gaze swept over to the doorway. 

Cleitus was peeking inside and had a huge grin on his face. "Leonnatus? It worked. They made up." Now that he knew that Alexander and Hephaistion had reunited, Cleitus closed the door. 

Hephaistion fell asleep with a smile on his face, snuggled up to Alexander and breathing in his lover's familiar scent.

The end


End file.
